When Hope Rises Again
by PhiloNysh
Summary: INCOMPLETE In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever.
1. On My Way

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Disclaimer: The characters used in this story most come from JK Rowling's Harry Potter stories. I appreciate the chance to use them to write a story. My thanks to her for not banning them from being used. Thank you. This applies to all further chapters.**

**Plot Summary:** In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with anew challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the main story as much as possible.

**Rating:** G/PG- Due to themes of paranormal, and some descriptive images of hurt and horror.

**Author's Note: **Although I try to update as often as I can, it is often hard, as I am in final year, to keep them consistent. All I request is a little patience. Thank You.

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**Prologue: On My Way**

I, Lily Evans, was about to embark on my Seventh and final year at Hogwarts, a school of witchcraft and wizardry. As both my parents were working, I was forced to catch a bus to King's Cross Station. I was a sight: with an empty owl cage (I was forced to send my owl, Anasuya, to fly there due to the policies of the muggle transport), and a rather large suitcase, with a shimmering 'Hogwarts- L.Evans' written on the top. Nonetheless, apart from the cold stares sent by numerous people on the bus, I had always managed to get to Kings Cross safely.

My years at Hogwarts had always been exciting. Although my lack of friends was often a cause of laughter amongst a certain group of girls in Gryffindor since fifth year, I was well respected by many, which had lead, I assume, to my appointment of Head Girl. Much to the surprise of my female peers, I had survived their immature torture, and continued living, even though my life now revolved around reading, and sending letters to an old muggle friend, my prefect duties, oh and of course, being asked out every other day, by a certain arrogant part, James Potter. The females had been my friends up until fifth year, but I had not actually been able fit in. I found that make-up, boys and clothing were not something I put value to, and was thus an outsider, who sheepishly followed their chattering group around. However, they had a mouth-watering desire to befriend Potter, and to 'try their luck' at gaining his 'love'. To them, my action of calling him a "bullying toerag" and other descriptive adjectives at the end of Fifth year, was horrific, and caused them to ignore me completely. Finally I had attained the chance for independence, and grasped it. No matter how many times they came back to seek my friendship once again (only due to the fact that Potter had not stopped pursuing me) I refused, and returned to my quiet life.

Overall, I would not say I was the happiest person alive, but I was quite content with the life I had. You reach a point when everything around you can't hurt anymore, but even so, you can still care. I was a 'carer' if one could call me so, and in this way I was inclined to hate James Potter and his "Marauder" counterparts, for the heartless 'pranking' they placed on every Slytherin member who passed by them. It was no wonder that the Slytherins hated Gryffindor so much. However, it was not like the Slytherins were the nicest people alive either. Certain groups of them had taken to picking on other members of the school community, and I had been called 'Mudblood' enough times as to dull the agony that the word was meant to have on me.

However, I do not assert that my life is entirely involved with James Potter- that is most definitely not truth. My life was and is about me, getting through the pain of Hogwarts, and fighting pain and anger. Brutality is not in my nature, but fighting with words is exceptionally exciting and exhilarating. You win a battle with the other person's mind, not only leave bright purple and blue bruises. You receive respect, and do not have to deal with the other's humiliation. War is folly- murder and skin-deep pain is all that comes out of it. It's so heavily pointless. I am not a hollow background who does nothing about the stupidity of half the members in Hogwarts. I do not let everything wash over me. I stand up for what I believe in, just not the humiliating way that Potter does it.

My future is significant reason that I am still alive. Ever since a second year Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, where Black started crying, I felt it was important to convince people that following the Dark Arts was not the right thing to do. I may not have ever liked Black, but compassion was something I certainly did not lack. I had decided then and there that I was to become an Auror, and attempt to convince 'Death Eaters' that Lord Voldemort was not as great as he pretended to be. This meant Auror training (in my case for defence purposes only) and 5 NEWT subjects, those being: Potions, Charms, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration and Arithmancy. I had a hard year ahead of me.

The cold streets of London passed by me, and the old terraced housing was a sight for everyone's poor eyes. Stop after stop, and not another Hogwarts student boarded, except a boy I believed was a new first year. I did not approach in case this my observations had deceived me. My thoughts drifted from school to home, thinking about leaving my parents once again to attempt to pay for my education, which I was sure they were finding very expensive. I felt so guilty. My thoughts drifted again to Petunia, who I was sure was bickering with Vernon, her newly found boyfriend, as to how horrible I was, and how much of a 'freak' I was. Either way, I felt remorse for her. I missed the days when things were easy among us, days when the sun used to shine and light up our faces. No, her jealousy had caused her to change. All I could do was hope that everything between us would someday sort itself out.

Finally we reached our destination, and with giant tug, I dragged the bag out of the bus, while holding my clattering empty cage in front of me. The boy that I had noticed earlier, was also indeed heading to Hogwarts. I approached him at the barrier between the platforms 9 and 10, and helped him to run through. I then assured his mother that I was Head Girl, and I would help him as much as possible. His mother, reassured, that because he was not white, he would not be tormented at school, left wiping her tears. I ran through the barrier, facing the great Hogwarts Express standing in front of me. It was good to be on my way again.

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**Author's Note: **Sorry that this is so short and contains no conversation. This is like a prologue, giving you a guide into the way Lily feels. Further chapters will be much more exciting- I can assure you of that.

Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks


	2. An Odd Potter

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with anew challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the main story as much as possible.

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****Chapter 1: An Odd Potter

The platform was bustling with people. Witches and Wizards of all-sorts had come to wave off their beloveds. Friends sat in groups, hugging and laughing. I felt a pang of remorse as she saw a group of Seventh year Gryffindor girls laughing with each other. I was not exactly sure whether it was because it was them, or whether it was because I was jealous of the fact that they had something to laugh about. Surprisingly, Pariksha, one of the nicer ones of the group noticed, approached me quietly.

"Hey Lily! It's nice to see you back. Are you Head Girl then?" she held out her hand, as if she wanted to shake mine. A little taken back, I put down my cage and shook it.

"Yes, it's good to see you too Pariksha. And, yes, I'm Head Girl." I smiled awkwardly, wondering where this was heading.

"No surprises then Lily, eh?"

"Er, I guess not. You looking forward to this year?" I asked, not exactly know where she was heading.

"Well it should be great, with James as Head Boy." She grinned, trying to feed me with venom.

I was rather shocked. Dumbledore had implied that the Head Boy might not have been a good friend, but I had expected a Slytherin, not the so-called theanthropic, too-good-for-rules, I'm-ever-so-popular James Potter. However, I kept my mask on, smiled briefly and said, "I'm sure it will be, Pariksha. I hope you don't mind, but I have to head off to the Heads' compartment. Dumbledore strictly advised me to beet him there in a few minutes."

I walked away, leaving Pariksha rather distraught that she had not been able to aggravate me. In truth I was seething. Potter hadn't even been prefect the year before. If anyone from Gryffindor had been selected, I would have expected it to be Lupin, not some rich spoilt brat, who thought himself some mantic special god to the female species. However, I kept my calm, composed look and dragged my bag onto the train, and carefully placed it on a rack which was designed for the Head Girl.

The compartment was beautiful. I could not describe it any other way. Rich furnishing which looked like it was from circa 1800 layered the compartment. The room was covered in the colours of Gryffindor: red and gold. The sounds of the train were drowned out, and the sweet sound of a bird-song filled the compartment. I felt refreshed, calm and excited. I sat down on the side labelled "Head Girl: Lily Evans" and looked down at a carefully placed letter on the table in front of me. Three pages of instructions and expectations were kindly explained, and signed by Dumbledore. I had never felt so comfortable before, never so loved, as one would put it.

It was during one of these magnificent feelings, that Potter decided to arrive. I was about to comment on his lack of time keeping, when I noticed a look on his face. I'd never seen it before. I couldn't describe it. All expression on his face had dissolved; his eyes were no longer twinkling with amusement. He looked lost, cold, and empty. At this point, to my shock and Horror, all I wanted to do was give him a hug. But I couldn't and I wouldn't.

He sent me a brief smile, and then sat down. No words were spoken between us. His eyes were bloodshot, and hours of sleep-deprivation were evident from the hollows under his eyes. I could not hold it in anymore. I couldn't pretend that his façade was not evident. I had never seen him like this. I couldn't stand it.

"James?" I said quietly, making sure I did not say Potter.

"Hm?" He responded even more quietly.

"Are you-" I hesitated. _Was this another of his pranks?_ I wasn't sure, but carried on anyway, "Are you okay?"

He looked at me, rather shocked, blinked twice, but turned down, and sighed. Nothing was said. Then once again, he opened his mouth- but before he could say anything, Dumbledore had arrived by portkey.

I sighed, but was rather relieved that Dumbledore had arrived to save us from what would seem to be an awkward conversation. He smiled gentle at James, who stared blankly up at him. He turned to me and nodded his head.

"It's good to see you both back. I have specifically organised this meeting between you two as the disturbances in England continue."

I coughed, and spoke out. "Uh, Professor Dumbldore, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what disturbances are you talking about?" Potter shot me a glare, as if he was in awe that I had no clue what Dumbledore was on about.

Dumbledore just nodded, and sighed very quietly. He looked at me, as spoke softly, "I should have known you would not have known, and called a meeting earlier, but things have been quite mad- yes quite mad." He paused again. "Normally I would have asked Mr Potter here to explain to you, but under the circumstances, I shall have to continue.

I did not know exactly what he meant by circumstances, but I assumed it was the fact that Potter and I weren't exactly the closest of friends, and even that would be suggesting we were friends. Nonetheless, Dumbledore continued.

"During the wake of this summer, numerous rumours were flowing about a rise in the Anti-Muggle front of wizarding politics, but thankfully, with this fear, we have come up with quite a radical pro-muggle Minister. Sadly his appointment also marked the rise of a new evil, the birth of a certain Lord Voldemort, who has mistreating the warmth of summer to inflict the cold burden of winter. Numerous murders of innocent people and people fighting for the right cause have died. The muggle news reports them as 'unexplained murders'- nothing particularly exciting, of course."

I couldn't breathe. I didn't believe what I was hearing. No wonder Potter didn't look so well, his parents must have been involved. I crumbled into the ground, not realising how bad I felt about this. These people were attacking me simply because I was a muggle. They had no personal vendetta. It was for the sheer reason that I was not born into a family that had existed for generations.

"If I could talk, Professor?" Potter asked in a rather husky voice, Dumbledore looked at him and nodded. I expected a 'will-you-go-out-with-me-Evans?' question, but that did not occur. I was taken back by what he said. "Professor Dumbledore's explanations have always attempted to remain unbiased, but I know you want the real truth." I nodded. "Voldemort isn't just angry, he's barbaric, ruthless, brutal, merciless, callous, and cruel. Even these words do not live up to him name. He's just pathetic. Those who follow him are power-hungry, sadistic savages, who see nothing more worthwhile than inflicting pain on their better counterparts. They have no feeling. They pillage and murder like there's no tomorrow. They don't think about those who suffer, they enjoy inflicting pain on them. They enjoy the exhilaration it causes to those who aren't on their side. The never think of the left-behind, never feel the emotion of losing someone. It's murder after murder. If a 'companion' dies amongst them, they continue, trying to savour Voldemort's power, trying to rule the world. They never think of whoever has to suffer. They never think of the innocent."

I stared at Potter, his eyes wide-open, and looking as if they were about to pop out. The salt water just flowed out of his eyes, his breathing had shallowed. He turned from me, hiding as if trying to hide his emotions from the world. His cries echoed in my mind. I had never seen him like this; never seen him so hurt and angry before. I wanted to lean over, and comfort him, but my hands would not move. I was paralysed with shock and remorse. Shaking, I turned to Dumbledore, who ushered me out of the main compartment.

"Miss Evans, I believe you understand what is going on." I started to nod my head, but then shook it. You could not lie to the headmaster. "Mr Potter's father and mother, both Aurors, were sadly murdered by Voldemort's cronies a week ago. Both Mr Potter and Mr Black have been staying in Diagon Alley for a week. I hope you will support both as much as possible." I nodded. Dumbledore muttered quietly one again, "This will not be the first," before sighing, and ushered me back inside.

Potter had regained his posture, and Dumbledore proceeded to tell us how to deal with a death. Firstly, the student was to be taken to their Head of House immediately, then at the end of every week, they were to report the details to Dumbledore to organise the help that the student may need, and of course any financial help that the student may require.

I had decided to not look at Potter then, fearful that my empathy skills would overcome my feelings, and would make me feel exactly like he did. However, my eyes began to stray, and when they landed on his face once more, my mind drifted into extreme empathy. I felt his agony as though it was flowing out of him; my heart felt cold, and the compartment suddenly felt a lot duller.

I shook the feeling off, and listened to the rest of Dumbledore was saying, "You have a responsibility to patrol the corridors every night from 9pm to 10pm, unless it is close to NEWT time, in which case I will appoint some others to accommodate. You also are allowed to use the Head's quarters if you wish, but this is not mandatory. You are also in charge of organising the dates of Quidditch matches, decorations for any important events, such as the Halloween Feast, and the dates of Hogsmeade visits." He paused. "I trust you shall also make the year enjoyable," he added peering though his glasses at Potter. I sighed.

Dumbledore spoke about prefect meetings next, and then proceeded to portkey back. Looking at Potter, I turned around, muttered about how I would hold the prefect meeting and mention that he wasn't feeling too well, and he smiled back, in a manner I assumed was gratuitous considering his condition.

After a rather strenuous prefect meeting that included anxious looks from Lupin, and bickering amongst the Slytherins, we finally reached Hogwarts, and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. The walls of loneliness called out to me, and well as a final year of magic.

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**Author's Note: **There you go, second chapter. Nothing particularly exciting, but interesting, at least I find it so. Also for all you 'happy-go-lucky' James lovers out there, do not worry, crazy James will be back (at some point!) 

Thanks also to:

_Whimsical Firefly-_ Comments won't be so hard now! I'm sure there's something wrong with this chapter! (lol!) 

_Moonlizard-_ Thanks so much

_Dreamy-crazygirl- _mean girls are everywhere (sigh)- But Lily's much stronger than them!__

_Ella-Watson-_ here you go

Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks


	3. Thestrals

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten): In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 2: Thestrals

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As Head Girl, I was required to accompany Potter in a carriage to school. Undoubtedly, I was subjected to an awkward silence for the forepart of the journey, but was, undeniably happy that for the first time since fourth year, I was able to actually have someone sharing my carriage, who wasn't a second or third year asking for help. But even so, I felt extremely awkward with just having Potter, the self-proclaimed genius, beside me. So, I decided to ignore it, and concentrated on the beauty of Hogwarts, as it lay down in front of me.

It was hard to even dream that this would be the last time I would be taking this journey to Hogwarts. It was the last time that I'll be having to face a first day, when everything in Hogwarts looks so enchanted, almost as if it came out of one of the old fairytales that my father used to read to me in bed. However, the façade that seemed to lay the grounds upon which Hogwarts rested, were not the simple truth. Under the mask of beauty of the grounds, and the so-called peace between the houses, rivalry was building, and turmoil was growing. Historically, as I could tell you quite easily, Hogwarts had fallen apart in some sense, due to the squabbles between Slytherin and Gryffindor when the school was founded. It was no wonder that these were the two houses who were still creating a division in the school. Nonetheless, I had started to attempt to smooth over this so-called division, but had not succeeded, and with Potter now Head Boy, that was not likely to change. I sighed.

I turned to briefly glance at Potter, wondering what kept him so quiet, but immediately was washed over with the waves of sorrow that flowed from him. It was remarkable, in a sense, that Potter could feel such strong emotion. His face showed the lines of too few hours to sleep, and a general hollowness. I found it surprising that even such a teenage "rebel", or rather, stuck-up prat, could even feel so much emotion. It, in an odd way, was slightly comforting, whilst also remaining horrific to him.

It was at this point, when my eyes quickly turned from him, that he first spoke since his outcry, "I can see them now." He said softly.

I turned to face him again, not knowing what he was talking about. "See what?" I replied, attempting to remain gentle.

He shivered, and pointed to the front, "They're beautiful, Thestrals." He attempted a smile, but it was hidden under the crusts of misery that covered his face. I sat there shocked. It had happened in front of him, his own parents died at his feet! I shuddered, trying to think of something to say. I really wanted to just touch his face, or give him and hug and tell him everything was going to be okay, but knowing him, he would take that as a indication that I had 'fallen in love' with him.

So I held my hands together, and said quietly, "It's a good sign."

He looked at me frowning. "What are you on about Lily?" he spat out as if I'd just cursed him. I moved backwards, I couldn't really speak, fearful of his words, and yet retaining a strong confident face.

I decided to finish my comment, so that his anger would not last too long. "It indicates you're accepting death. Although you'll-" I gulped, just wanting the conversation to be finished, "-you'll never forget the experience, you will be able to move on. It shows your strength James," I added trying to convince him that my words were not meant to be harsh in any manner.

His brow returned to normal, and he stared at the Thestrals again. I sighed, relieved that the conversation had ended, and feeling really uncomfortable sitting near him. Not a word was said until reaching Hogwarts Castle.

It was to Professor McGonagall's office that we were next to head. As usual, Potter was slightly confused, and I practically had to drag him to her office, as he was extremely saddened at the prospect of having to miss the Sorting Ceremony. However, after much deliberation, I finally managed to get him there in one piece.

It was upon that moment that we entered the office, that I was once again tormented by someone's emotional strain. Professor McGonagall had never seemed that old, that aged, as I saw her then. The summer seemed to have worn her out, shown her true age, and woken her into the misery of the world that was outside the walls of Hogwarts. Nonetheless, her behaviour had not changed. The strict lines that marked her composure and attitude stayed put, and the tone of her voice showed no sign of fatigue.

"I have called you two here as to give you some indication of what is required of your behaviour this year. Although I am sure Professor Dumbledore has already had some words with you, I trust that his word were light, and rather, silver-lined, with his sense of humour. Undeniably, this is not exactly what is expected of you."

She turned towards Potter. "Mr. Potter, as you should know, being Head Boy does not allow you to abuse that power, and torment any member of the Slytherin house. Nor does it, in any way, allow you to use this power to try to 'shake' the grounds of Hogwarts, with what you call a 'prank'. Your power was given to you because you are expected to behave responsibly. However, I am sure, you will fulfil those duties well, or you would have not been selected as Head Boy."

She turned back to me. "On the other hand Miss Evans, I am sure you will be able to keep the school in order. However, keep the fights with Mr Potter to a minimum, as you want to set a good example to the following years. I am certain that you shall do well. Remember not to be overly harsh to those who have treated you wrongly, and to keep your calm, then you shall be an excellent Head Girl."

She faced us both now, looking at us in turn, "You will do well, I am sure. Good luck!"

As she turned away, I knew I wanted more answers to the puzzlement of the harsh reality of 'Lord Voldemort', and I knew also that she was the only person I could ask. So I held her back, asking to speak with her alone. Potter was becoming a bit impatient, so I told him that he could return to the hall if he wished. But his pale face haunted me, so, without his permission, I performed a quick cheering charm on him, so that he would not look as horrific to the rest of the school. He left quite cheerfully then, and I turned back to face Professor McGonagall.

"Er. Professor, I was just wondering, could you tell me more about this wizard named 'Lord Voldemort'?"

The remaining colour drained from her face, and I knew that I had touched a soft spot. I was about to say that she shouldn't bother, when she spoke. "Lily, it is best that you know, and I am frankly quite relieved that you asked me. Not surprisingly, Mr Potter knows much about him, and should you want any more answers after I have told you what I know, it is best to turn to him for answers." I nodded, urging her to carry on. "For the past five years, The ministry has known of Voldemort's growing support, but have done nothing about it, believing that they were harmless. Voldemort's, actions have been quiet until recently. He has worked hard to gain a group of followers over the past years, slowly gaining power. The previous Minister had not recognised the need for immediate measures to stop Voldemort's rise, and he first thought of it merely as a rumour. But this summer marked the first evidence of the true nature of Voldemort, and it has not been nice. The Ministry has spend its time doing nothing else, but fighting the chaos that Lord Voldemort has been creating."

With a flick of a wand, she had a glass of water in front of her. She continued, and once again had my full attention.

"Voldemort's powers have not yet reached their peak. He has a large following, and will easily be able to attract more. His aim is simple- to get rid of all the 'half-bloods' and 'muggle-borns' from the Wizarding World. He has no fear of the Dark Arts, just as he has no fear of murder. His aim is a holocaust, a removal of all those who he considers inferior. Most of our information is rumour, nothing can be held for certain. The only way we can find out if anything had happened, is what is left behind: a mass of dead cold bodies, and the Dark Mark."

She lowered her head, the first signed of her weakness. I looked at her quizzically, "The Dark Mark?"

"An image portrayed above where the murder has occurred. It is a Skull with a snake as a tongue, and creates an aura of fear: though that could be simply from what it signifies." She peered at me through her glasses, and sipped her water.

"How many so far?" I asked, feeling the agony of Death pulling down on my body.

"5 Aurors, 36 Wizards, 39 Witches, and 24 children. Muggles should be about 30 to 40. We cannot fully count those, as they are not under the Ministry's jurisdiction." She coughed, and I took it as a sign to leave. "Thank you Professor."

I was shaking, quivering with the absurdness of this situation. Everything felt wrong, felt unreal. I simply could not believe that there was someone out there who wanted to cause so much harm. What was running through hi mind? How could he even start hating people he didn't know? I just could not accept his existence, could not accept that everyone was under threat, by someone they had done nothing wrong to.

By the time I had finally arrived in the Great Hall, the Sorting Ceremony was about to finish, as "Whitlem, Orionus" walked towards the Sorting Hat. I took my seat next to an over-cheerful Potter. And waited for Dumbledore's opening speech.

"Unlike previous years, I have decided, even though the most of you are famished, to open this year on a serious note. There are a few, this year, that have not returned yet, and I am certain many of you know why. If you do, please explain to those who do not. If you shall receive any Ministry letters following the same lines, you should proceed to talk to either of our Heads, or a prefect who should help you to find us. This year will have problems; there will not be peace. However, I am certain that all those who attend this school, will remain, even if their views are divided, at peace. On that note, I also wish you all a Happy and Prosperous new year. Now, dig in!"

The meal was a success. Laughter and sweet voices rang through the walls of the Castle, as well as the occasional question, 'what was Dumbledore talking about?' Those who were sad were cheered up by the happiness in the air. The new were relaxed through the guidance and help of the elders. The new year had begun better than was expected.

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**Author's Note: **There you go, second chapter. Not at all my favourite chapter- a bit dry and not well written- not too happy with it L

Thanks also to:

Whimsical Firefly- Thanks for another review. I hope this chapter puts thing back into context- it's the best way I could do it! 

_libyanauthor-_ Thanks! My vocabulary is actually quite limited, at least I think so.

_WindigoSoul- _Thanks. I just think Lily isn't as frivolous as many people like to create her as.__

_LilyZWnam77_ Aie, thanks so much. I'm really appeciate you comment, but I'm sure there are a couple of errors somewhere!

Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks


	4. First Day

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 3: First Day

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First night meant no one was required to patrol the corridors, and that a mad rush of confused and exciting students were everywhere. I found it my duty then, to make sure that everyone had returned to their Common Room safely, and that there wasn't a sole First Year lost in the Sixth Floor corridor, or anything of the like. However, once I had made my rounds, I returned to where my new home- the Head's Quarter.

The soft pitter-patter of rain flowed sweetly into the castle, which reverberated into a beautiful melody that brightened up my night. I paused, listening to the last of its calming tones, before I finally proceeded to enter the Head's Quarter. I was stunned! The room was perfect, not too large, but then not too small. A quiet fire echoed in the back right corner, bring heat and light into the 19th century styled room. The dark brown wood mingled with the rich tones of deep red, lightly touched with the rest of the house colours. Two comfortable sofas were set out right in front of the entrance, as well as separate desks, located side by side on the left side. Next to them, and along the right wall, were shelves and shelves of books. Some were marked as old logs of the on-goings of the school, while others held common titles, such as _Hogwarts, A History._ Either side of the room had large oak doors with intricate moving designs of the Founders, the one on the right with Gryffindor and Slytherin, and the left one with Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. But what surprised me most, was right in front of the large window that stood directly in-front of me, was Potter.

Potter. I had not expected to see him until the next day, during one of our lessons. I expected him to be doing one of his "special" Marauder meetings, laughing at someone, trying to look cool, while being a total idiot. But no—he was sitting there, staring as the rain fell slowly onto the far-reaching grounds of Hogwarts. I walked towards the left door, assuming it was the one for the Head Girl, but slipped on the edge of a rug, and came crashing down on my knees. Feeling rather pathetic, and daring to hope that Potter had not noticed, and pulled myself up. Sadly my luck had died, and I stood up to face Potter: eye to eye.

"Evans." She said rather gruffly.

"Potter?" I asked in a similar tone of voice.

"I suppose you think you've worked wonders for me," he added rather spitefully

"Wonders? Potter don't waste my time- if you've got something to say, just spit it out!" I voiced, angry at the re-emergence of his arrogance.

"What were you thinking putting a Cheering Charm on me? Thinking you could cheer me up so that you don't have to feel so awful around me? So that you don't feel so guilty-"

"Guilty, Potter? Guilty for what? Your arrogance and naivety? For your superfluous ego-dominated attitude? I feel no guilt."

"I suppose, then your charm was a measure to justify your heartless manner to me in the carriage?"

"And what manner was that?" My anger was surfacing, my pale cheeks beginning to turn red with anger.

"The rudeness in suggesting that seeing Thestrals was good." His ears were turning pink, and his height was beginning to threaten me. He walked closer, as if trying to create a fight.

"What was I supposed to say Potter? Beg and plead to you? _Oh Potter, Potter, love me forever, and I'll make it all disappear!_ The charm I placed on you was an attempt to make you not look as bad as you did, in front of the school." I added aggressively

"The school? What about the feelings I felt? I was dazed, cursed into this emotional high ride, to come, once again crashing down, perhaps deeper into my sorrow? But I suppose Evans, you would be glad with that, considering how much you've liked to torture me the past few years?" He started to turn away.

"Torture _you_!" I shouted. Jets of anger were freely flowing out of my ears by now. "All I've done to you today was attempted to be nice to you, hoping that you'd have matured slightly over the holidays. Yes, I feel for your loss, but that does not give you a right to force your arrogant beliefs down my throat. I just thought, that since you are overly concerned about your appearance, you might not want to look so sad in front of everyone else. You might appreciate that little compassion I had, but no, you think yourself-"

"What do I think of myself Evans, since you know me so well? Huh? I would like to hear this, because if you know what I think of myself, I would love to learn, since I _certainly_ don't know what I think of myself." Potter was glaring at me with an ice-cold stare.

"You started this argument, not I." I inserted, not sure of what to say. I'd had enough of the fight, I couldn't stand there anymore, without losing my composure, and so, walked into my room silently, tears brimming my eyes.

There was no time to admire the room, no time to appreciate my position. Tears were flowing onto the pillow, as my anger broke with gushes of running water. Self-pity came out as I lay out on those soft pillows. I hated myself, hated everything. Life was a bittersweet game, and I had thus far only played the bitter part. Images of fickle fair-weather friends floated through my mind, and my body curved, my hands clutching my stomach tightly. Petunia's torments laughed in my ears, as her overweight dim boyfriend whispered and pointed at me. I pretended to be unaffected. I have always pretended to be unaffected. The old mask blanketed my emotions with fury, but I could do nothing. I could stand up and fight for others, but I could not fight for myself. My mind ached with anxiety, before the emptiness of a dreamless sleep overcame my suppressed emotions.

The morning was none-the-better. A lack of water to the brain had resulted in a splitting headache, and the loneliness of a single room brought the bright sunshine to a halt. I crawled out of bed, and quickly slipped on my robes, before attempting to find the Head's bathroom. I had guessed Potter had now returned for the undying pity of his friends to discuss the 'horridness' of Lily Evans, but was rather embarrassed to see him come out of the bathroom, just as I was to enter. He blushed on noticing me, and looked downwards, pushing a hand through his wet hair- a nervous gesture, I supposed, as there certainly weren't any other females around for him to attempt to woo.

I quickly had a bath (there were separate quarters for the Head Girl and Boy, thank goodness), and walked out, ready for breakfast and the first lessons that I had: Advanced Potions, Advanced Charms and then Advanced Transfiguration. Potter was in both.

Breakfast was regular. The first breakfast of term meant hoards of people sitting closely together discussing current events, and of course their exciting holiday news, which is of course, exaggerated significantly in order to grab the attention of their peers. First day of term, for me, also meant having to take the only vacant gap in the whole hall (apart from the Slytherin table), which ironically was located right next to my dear Marauder friend, Peter Pettigrew. To those who are a bit confused, and seem to think I am attracted to Pettigrew, as Pettigrew does himself, I am being sarcastic.

As it would be, due to the events that of that summer, the Marauders were pleasantly quite quiet, though Black was flirting with a girl right beside him, pawing as a puppy does another. So much for the macho Sirius attitude. So, anyway, there I was, quietly amusing myself with the delicious food in front of me, when I happen to overhear Pettigrew boasting about his wonderful holiday where he went to France to, as he put it '_Diser mes perfait Frencaise'_- so much for perfect French, well at least from what I could remember from Primary School French lessons. So I sort of scoffed into my toast, while receiving a rather odd, but amused glare from Potter. I quickly turned back to my food, and ignored his glance.

To my surprise, Pettigrew carried on, oblivious to my utter disgust, and my lack of attention whatever he was talking about, and spoke about some wonderful French girl who he had met–as I said earlier, exaggeration marks the first day of term. Finally, after drinking to glasses of pumpkin juice, he did stop, only to ask the most inconsiderate, and, well, stupid question I had heard from any Gryffindor's mouth before, "So James, how was your holiday? I'll bet it wasn't anything as good as mine!"

I sat there, shocked at the insensitive nature of the question that flowed so freely out of his foul mouth, that I turned towards him, and quickly asked, "So Pettigrew, who do you think the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher is?"

He looked at me, once again oblivious to his friends' disgusted faces, and replied, "Who said I was talking to _you_ Evans?"

I turned around, laughing at his fraudulent attitude, and bit harshly into an apple. Pettigrew was a joke. His strength only really appeared when he was near his so-called friends, where no-one actually took him seriously. In a way, I felt sorry for him, unable to conceive why one boy in this school would feel so insecure as to follow a bunch of boys around only to feel powerful. It made no sense to me. However, bravery must be somewhere in his blood, as he was in Gryffindor after all.

The day continued as any day in Hogwarts had ever been. I sat alone in the second row trying to grasp as much information as possible, while Potter and Black sat elsewhere creating a riot, though it could be argued that they were much quieter this year, and I did see Potter's quill on a page occasionally. Potions this year were where were went meant to work solo this year. This removed any preconceived battles between Slytherins and Gryffindors, as well as kept the 'inseparable two' apart. In fact, for a Potions lesson at least, it was heaven.

Finally after a nice round of Charms, and back-breaking lesson of Transfiguration, the day drew to a close, and after a rich dinner, I retreated to the Head's quarter, only to find Potter sitting on a comfortable sofa, actually reading a Charms book. His eyes bored into the thin pages of the Charms book, and did not even pause to look at me as I entered.

I turned away from, and walked towards my desk, pulling out a 3-foot long piece of parchment, and my best quill and a bottle of black ink. I started to write out my essay on the relationship between Ancient Indo-European Charms and African tribal Charms, and how that formed the modern Charm formation. The links were particular interesting as there were many African Charms, which we, with roots from the Indo-European region, lack, but could do wonders with. The actual link fell down to language, and the change in language related with the movement and development of the Human species. Modern Charms that we learnt had mostly a Latin or Ancient Greek background, so it restricted the diversity of Charms we can do, as well as forced us to have a very narrow and insignificant view of the world of Charms.

Much to my amazement, halfway through my interesting discussion, I felt a light tapping on my shoulder. Knowing it was Potter, I did not turn around, but asked complacently, "What do you want Potter?"

"Lily, you're so polite, you are. I was just walking over to say hello."

I turned around and sighed. Great, Potter pretending to be polite. "Since when did you start calling me 'Lily,' Potter?"

He grinned sheepishly, "I've never called you Lily Potter- I would if you'd-"

"Just move back to your sofa Potter, I'm attempting to get some work done here." I spoke, rather exasperated by his immature behaviour.

"Hey, Lily, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say thank you." He was still smiling, infuriating me with his relaxed behaviour.

"About what?"

"You know."

"No, I don't know Potter, please do enlighten me."

"If it pleases you, my Lady. This morning when you were kind enough to distract Worm- I mean Peter- away from the question he was asking me." He passed his hand through his hair, causing me to shiver with disgust.

"Yeah, sure Potter." I said quietly, returning to my work, before pausing to say something that I would not have expected to come out any other day, "Oh, and by the way, Potter -or should I say Prongs- the whole school knows your nicknames, though I must say some certainly do not suit you characters, except Lupin, of course."

He laughed. "I assure you Lily, they do suit us. Though I do wonder why you make mention of Lupin-"

Sometimes, there are people, who you would expect would be able to catch onto a hint so quickly, but the, well, just don't. "After doing prefect rounds with him for two years, it's a bit difficult not to catch onto certain facts."

James said a few things extra, talking about something or other, which I quietly chose to ignore. Mentally, I had retreated back into my essay, not looking forward to 9pm, when we were expected to Patrol the corridors.

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**Author's Note: **Third chapter up now. Sadly, I won't be able to update for 2 weeks now, I have my Mock exams right now, and I have to do well! Otherwise should be back on track soon. I hate exams! Well, at least this chapter's nice and long :)

Thanks also to:

_Whimsical Firefly_- Thanks for another review. Lily's not the same here, but its up to you to judge whether she still fits into her character. 

_LilyZWnam77__-_ Told you there was an error. I really can't be bothered, nor have the time to go back and change it, but I will at some point. Thanks!

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!


	5. Friendship?

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When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 4: Friendship?

Patrols that night were not as bad as I thought they would be, but then again I was thinking that I would end up passing a restraining order on Potter by the end of it. The first fifteen or so minutes were spent in utter silence, and Potter followed a foot behind, looking for snooping or loveless wizards and witches alike. He said nothing, and nor did I. It was awkward, but yet, almost satisfying.

It was fifteen minutes, or so, through, when we passed the Gryffindor corridor, that Potter finally said something. It was very quiet, and had I not been on full alert for desperate prowlers, I would not have caught it.

"Lily, I miss her you know."

I stopped and turned towards him. I was staring blankly at his face. What was he talking about, and why did he say it so quietly?

"She was one of those people who made a difference. I mean until then I hadn't really noticed her, I'd just walk by her, not appreciating that she was actually there."

I continued looking blankly at him, perhaps in shock, but also because I had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn't say anything: his words clamed my nerves, and opened my eyes.

"I've always thought myself immortal, perfect, the ideal guy. But now it's all changed. No-one'll guess it except you." He stared at his feet.

"James" I said softly, "what are you talking about?"

He started walking ahead, his face rather scrunched up. "I should not have presumed that you'd get it Evans. I don't know what I was thinking. You must have fallen for it, just like the rest of them have. Even my so-called friends."

I looked at him quizzically wondering what was causing him so much pain. It came to me like a tidal wave. How could I have forgotten? Of course, the whole reason that I had considered Potter to have seemingly grown up. I was so caught up in the rubbish he had said yesterday, and everything that was going on, that I had forgotten something so vital to him.

"James," I didn't know what to say, what to do. I turned towards him, and muttered something that would have come out of one of those foolish Hollywood movies that Petunia has such a soft spot for. "She's with you, she's within your heart."

James looked at me disgusted. "Evans, what hit you?"

He knew me better than I imagined. "Look, I don't know what to say okay? I know you're hurting, but I don't know how to react. I don't have parents who've died. I've only got a horrible sister. All I can do is say that you have my sympathy."

He looked to the ground. I hated myself, hated that I couldn't communicate with anyone. I hated the fact that I couldn't heal Potter's -or anyone's for that matter- hurt. I liked my solitude. Why did Potter have to become Head Boy, and get my involved in all this muck called 'friendship'? In fact, why was I even thinking friendship. We weren't friends. Potter was just using me as a crying pole because no one else in this whole school gave a damn about anyone but themselves. Certainly his friends hadn't shown that sort of attitude. Well, except for Lupin. But then Lupin had reason: his own mother had passed away last year, which ended all excuses of 'I have to go see my mother as she is really ill.'

No more words were spoken, well at least until we reached the Astronomy Tower. Potter led the way, much to my discontent, but I did not fight for authority. I followed suit, breathing a sigh of relief once we had reached the top. Not surprisingly, there sat our two favourite people: Severus Snape and his dear friend, Regulus Black, sitting and talking to each other while reading aloud from Dark Arts books. I groaned, wondering what Potter would do to the both of them. I was astonished when Potter did nothing like twirl Snape in the air, but spoke rather calmly to both,

"Now Snape, as a prefect for two years now, you should know that this behaviour is totally out of order. Although it may seem to you to be appropriate, noticing your political," He cleared his throat, as if trying to remain calm, "_tendencies_, it is not in-tune with school regulations. If anything-"

It was this point when Black sneered, and aimed his wand at Potter chest. In fear for Potter's life, or anything that gruesome, quickly called out, "_Accio wand"_ while it would have seemed that Potter said rather lazily, "_Expelliarmus!_" The result was not good, with Black's wand breaking in two, and his book flying off to the side, while Black fell backwards, crashing onto the floor. Snape sneered. He picked up the book silently and dragged Black up, walking towards the Slytherin Common Room.

I called out as he left, "That's 10 points each from Slytherin, making it 20 points in total!"

Potter said nothing to me after that, and we returned to the Head's Quarter in an awkward silence. I sighed in relief that Potter had not been his normal self, worked on my Transfiguration, then leapt into bed, thoroughly exhausted.

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The next two days swept past, my life revolving around the amount of work I had to do, and sitting in the Library. I didn't really know why the library was such a place of solace for me; perhaps it was the faint smell of old books that rekindled the forgotten emotions that I had caged up. The simple fact was I was alone- not lonely- but alone, and was comfortable that way. I guess I was afraid that if I got too close to anyone, I would want more than they could give- or that they would push me aside like everyone else had. No that was a lie; I did have one friend, a distant friend who I had recently stopped emailing me due to her "need to study for her A levels!" I doubt very much it was that. We had grown apart, her life now revolving around boys, and University and French (Yes, she had quite a passion for 'les choses francaises.') And well, my life revolved around… nothing.

Potter and I had continued to patrol the corridors quietly- I did not know what to say, and he, I assumed, was ignoring me. It was a bit surprising, as his old retaliations of "Oi Evans, will you go out with me?" had disappeared, and been replaced by this uncomfortable silence. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy these quiet moments now and then, but it felt so unnatural, so surreal, almost. To tell you the truth, I hated it, but I could not explain to you why.

But the fourth day, a Wednesday according to the Muggle calendar, had come, and Hogwarts was on its feet again. Fifth year girls and boys would go to great lengths to attract members of the opposite sex, including, oddly, a boy who tied to transform himself half into a lion, because a girl had pointed out to him how masculine she thought they were. _Sleaky-easy_ bottles were reported stolen in the Hufflepuff Common Room, only to find that one girl (with extremely bushy hair) had stolen all, hoping to gain the attention of a boy she liked. Well, she certainly got it- her hair had changed into what looked like a bouquet of Tulips. I was highly impressed.

At about 3pm, I went off to Charms, only to find I was the only one there, well all except Lupin. I walked towards him, and sat behind him. Hearing my books fall on the table he turned towards me. Looked at me quizzically, and finally pulled some words together.

"So, ah, Lily, what's going on?"

I shook my head, not sure if I heard correctly. "Did you just call me Lily?"

She shuffled a bit in his seat, "Well, yeah, 'cause, you know we've patrolled for two years together, so I thought, you know we could be more than acquaintances."

I looked at him in awe, then shifted my eyes to stare at my feet. _He's joking of course; I mean he must have been dared to do that by Potter or something. _I laughed.

"Lupin, you're a joker, you are!"

He looked at me again, "What are you talking about Lily?"

I felt uncomfortable, his eyes glaring at me, as I wriggled in my chair. I couldn't accept the idea- it was too odd, too strange. The whole incident was inconceivable, impossible. A thought came to my head: if Lupin did not actually mean what he said, then I could use the situation to my advantage. I could use him as leverage to catch the Marauders red-handed if they tried anything

I shrugged by shoulders, "Sure Lu-Remus," I said more confidently than I felt, "But do you know where everyone else is?"

Before Remus was given a chance to even think of an answer, the arrogant voice of a certain member of the Black family cry loudly, as if announcing himself to the class:

"Evans, dear, you're here 10 minutes early, 'course no-one's going to get here this early!"

I cringed and said nothing- I was in no mood to be told how much of a 'swot' I was by the infamous Black.

"Hey Evans darling, I think you've nicked my spot there."

I looked up at him, "Your spot?"

"Yes love, _my_ spot. Now why don't you just move your cute little bottom down a seat, and snugly nest yourself into Moony over there? I know you want to."

"How original Black! Isn't it ironic that the last time you said anything to me was that exact phrase, except in the context of Potter? And even then I didn't move? What are-"

"Look Remus, she's finally admitting to liking Jamsie-"

"What? I didn't say anything of the sort!" I wanted to strangle Black!

"Hun, you said 'even then' when referring to James."

I grinded my knuckles together, and sighed exasperated, "I only meant that in the way- in the way that you would imagine it to be so."

"Sure Evans dearest." He winked at Remus, and sat behind me. I sighed. _Well at least I still had my seat._

The lesson passed quickly, well, apart from the snickers between Potter and Black behind me. Charms came naturally to me; there was no need to actually do any work for the most time, so I used those sparing moments to plan exactly what I was going to do next. Normally I was quite spontaneous, deciding things on my emotions and my moods, but I used it as a time filler-as to not seem bored during the lesson.

As soon as the lesson finished, I rushed towards the library, the sole place where I could contemplate on and attempt to understand the event that had just passed. The aura of books gave that subtle comfort and normality that hadn't been there so far this year, allowing me to calm down for a bit. I couldn't understand it though- couldn't understand why anyone would want to be my friend, let alone Lupin. I could accept the fact that Lupin would be quite direct (on occasion) to say what he meant, but I couldn't help questioning why- Why would he want to be _my_ friend? I could understand that he might admire my skills, but a friend? It was impossible- a joke.

Perhaps it was these insecure thoughts that made me starting thinking, or the fact that I had mistakenly picked up the book, The Magic behind Wizarding relationships by Regurga Lone in an attempt to look like I was studying, that I began to question myself, my authority in the matter.

_What was it about me that found it so shocking that someone wanted to be my friend? What made me so uncertain as to doubt the good nature of any other human being? Had I lost that much trust in myself? Of course Lu-I mean Remus, would be a friend, we've patrolled the corridors for two years together, and we've had some good times, catching unsuspected teenagers (once including Sirius) in the thralls of a passionate embrace, trying to catch the mystery midnight flier, who turned out none other to be James' arch-rival, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain. Yes, it was true, when Remus was with Potter, Pettigrew or Black, he tended to ignore me, but that was expected- they were his best friends. It was perfectly natural to gain Remus as a friend, after-all, he and I had, in an odd way, already become friends._

Trying to control my thoughts, and finally getting down to some Ancient Runes study, I sat back, and forgot my agony. That was until my new friend decided that he wanted to sit with me.

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**Author's Note: **Fourth chapter up now. I'm not sure if I like this chapter or hate it. I have a feeling it's moving a bit fast, but oh well. "study break" now, so I might be able to update more often- we'll have to see :)

Thanks to:

Whimsical Firefly- I think that's the main thing I like about Lily. There are some expectations, like I would have to guess she'd have to get along with James' friends and be compassionate type, but she's a fun character to play with. Thanks for the luck and the review! 

_TarnishedIgnorance-_ You changed your name! Anyway, yes, I've read through this twice, but I'm sure you'll inform me of any errors. Mock exams are like practice ones before the finals, the ones that counta lot if I want to get into University- so yeah. They count towards my grade significantly. But I hope this chapter is up to your expectations.

_Pearlstar_- never hidden at all- all you had to do is find me. Thanks for reviewing.

Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!


	6. First Signs

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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**Chapter 5: First signs**

I stared up at Remus, uncertain as to why he was sitting there. He said nothing, but smiled at returned to his Charms book. I looked with unease at him, but there was no response, I returned to stare at an Arithmancy problem, which had been particular hard to comprehend due to the complexity in which it was set- in the middle of the British Civil War, in which the British had chose to fight on the side of the King, as he had a particular fetish to Magical ways of polishing his jewellery and thus had given a large amount of land to the ruling Witches and Wizards of the period- also because the Puritans had an enormous fear of Magic, naming it 'The Devil's work' (quite hysterical of course). This had caused utter chaos and divided Magic into two. However, once Cromwell had discovered how important the Wizarding community was to England, he died, and the throne was handed back to the monarchy.

Anyhow, back to my discomfort. Remus just sat there: no permission was asked, no laughter was displaced. I just sat there in awe. Yes, my table was now known as "Private property of Lily Evans" but as often as not, I had anyone (including students from Ravenclaw) coming for 'Lily's council' for help and advice for any sort of work--all except Transfiguration. But now there was another member on my table, a certain shaggy-haired, tall, and scarred Marauder- and one who was not coming for any help at all, but simply because- I was his friend?

In a way my emotions soared, feeling truly special that someone would want to sit next to me simply for the sake of it- and would not want to talk about so-called fit guys, or the most fashionable tip of the week. That being said, I knew I could not afford to worry about the issue right then and there as I had a lot of Arithmancy, Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts work due in the next day, and I really needed to complete them. So I moved my concentration to my work.

It was about half-an-hour later that Remus said something. He said it so confidently, that immediately looked directly at him, having forgotten that he was even there.

"Hey Lily, do you think that the Potions due in tomorrow will take about an hour or longer?" I was slightly shocked and this small-talk, so much so I didn't get his question, and just stared at him for a few seconds.

"Oh, sor-sorry- was just a bit distracted by this Arithmancy problem. What did you say?"

He just smiled. "It's okay- Arithmancy tends to do that. Was just wondering how long the Potions Essay would take?"

"Oh, I assume about an hour, not longer. But that's only if you've been paying attention in Potions."

"No stress about that. James tends to take brilliant notes in Potions, so I have a copy of them and I was paying attention in Potions."

Potter takes notes. Potter, notes. Those two words certainly did not belong in a sentence. "Potter takes notes?" I asked astounded.

Remus laughed. "You wouldn't think so, but he does actually. He will never admit it to you or the rest of the human population of course- likes to keep his reputation up."

"Right."

"Lily, seriously, you really think that James gets brilliant marks without studying?"

"Well- yes, I thought he wad just one of those people who could-" I was shaking. Potter and studying did not go in a sentence either.

"Sadly, no-one's like that, well, almost. Black's almost like that, but then again he does nick James' notes. Has a photographic memory- that one. But that doesn't help in Charms or Transfiguration. This means he requires James' or my guidance, under whose he excels, of course."

I laughed. This was exactly like the old corridor patrolling days, where everything just seemed to be working out. Laughter wasn't that hard with Remus, and it seemed his 'Marauder' character was not so obvious without the presence of the hailed Potter or Black to exploit his good nature. However, Remus was far from someone I could even pretend to like more than a friend, so any hopes in that area were quite happily suppressed.

"Remus, why do hang around with Potter and Black? You're so different to both of them, so-"I asked daringly.

"We're not as different as you might guess. It is true that perhaps James and Sirius have similar interests, but trust me they have personalities. James is without a doubt more responsible." He stopped, as if remembering something, then paused, and looked back down at his hands. "Certainly more responsible."

"I knew that," I said, not really realising what I was saying.

"You do?" Remus had a small smirk on his face.

I tried to find a reason for my comment- but was seemingly failing, until it came to me, "Well, Dumbledore would not have chosen him as Head Boy if that wasn't the case."

Remus let the smirk fall off, and sort-of nodded his head, before returning to stare blankly at his Charms book.

"Hey Remus, I didn't mean to- I mean, were you-?" I felt incredibly awful by even mentioning the fact. Of course Remus was going to be hurt- he was the one who deserved it.

"I'm not offended Lily. I was asked by Dumbledore before James whether I wanted to be Head Boy- but because of my- condition- I chose not to take that job, knowing that I wouldn't be able to fulfil all the duties required. That's the reason you didn't know who it was going to be before the train journey." He sort-of slumped, but then placed a fake smile on his face.

"Does Potter know?" I asked, respecting Remus immensely for his decision. I could not have taken the same path as he had, had I been in his position. It would have taken a lot of daring and strength that I would not have had.

"No, but I suggested him to Dumbledore, who approved." He said, in hushed tones, as if trying to pretend if it had never occurred.

"Oh." I decided it was time to change the subject, realising that I had pulled Remus out of his comfort zone. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just don't tell Potter, okay?"

"Your secret is safe with me." I assured him. I had no intentions of telling Potter, even if that could utterly destruct his ego.

"That's good. So what did you do in the summer hols?" He asked, attempting to spark conversation.

Somehow, it was easy to talk to Remus; it seemed that there was no issue of self-consciousness that I held around every other student and professor alike around the school. He didn't seem to mind that I was not an ideal friend, and that I wasn't your typical late 1970s British muggleborn witch. There was no stress around his being there- well, expect for the fact that he _actually_ had attempted to be amicable with me.

So the conversation continued with my exciting holiday news, which concerned being stuck in a claustrophobic house with my oh-so-darling sister by my side, and of course her snide husband, whose waist line managed to get him stuck in the door a couple of times. And Remus told his sad holiday experience of his father's attempted torments of his wolf-nature, up until he spent the last 3 weeks at Godric Hollow- the all famed Potter Mansion. Nonetheless, the differences between our two holidays, and the general differences between our natures, had not divided us. I felt as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders, finally allowing me to rely on someone other than myself. However, the glooming nature of this 'friendship' still terrified me, and my trust had to still be won by Remus.

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I don't know how long I sat there after Remus had left, but I do know that I did not get any work done. What Remus had said had not really begun to affect me as yet, but the fact that anyone would even want to talk to me in that friendly kind of way was rather astonishing if anything else.

I decided after looking down on my list of 'work yet to be done', that I was not going to get any work done at that point, and that I really needed to get out of the library for a while. I didn't want to be alone, but yet I didn't want anyone to talk to me. If anything I just wanted to see life fly by me. So I placed my books in my already overflowing bag, made the bag feather-light and proceeded to return to Quarters. I then left my books behind, and went to do something useful- watch and see how the student body was going.

When I was in Fifth year, I was slightly devastated at the beginning that my 'friends' weren't talking to me, and so managed to master the Disillusion charm to see avoid them at all costs, and to make sure they didn't see my utter desolation to not having them as friends. However, I quickly got over that stage in my life, and grew accustomed to living for myself- as I was now. Even so, the Disillusion charm still worked wonders. Most Hogwarts students tended to a bit blind when it came for noticing things out-of-the-ordinary, so I used it against them. In order to be myself on occasion, I would walk the corridors, almost invisible, to just see how the school was going.

This was going to be one of those days. I sifted among the student population as if I was a mere shadow of their counterparts. The burden of students unsettling themselves in sight of viewing the Head Girl had been lifted, and they acted like the young sprites they were. Laughter and mischief edged onto the tips of their tongues, and this youthful spirit calmed my anxious mood. Of course, a colossal tinge of selfishness and cruelty in the name of greed also marred this pleasant dance, as a few students walked with hung heads, and others mastered a ploy to pull another to shreds.

I could think of one such group, the so-called Marauders, but they were nowhere to be seen. I could not say that I hated them now, having made friends with the most decent of the lot. No hatred was left, and truly, I began to miss their innocent ploys: the ones that did not leave the Slytherins with more malice than warmth in their hearts. But I didn't want to think about them at that point. I didn't want to think about anything that worried me- no Voldemort, no Petunia, no Potter. That was the motto.

Thoughts blew by, students and teachers alike headed off to eat. Dinner came and past, and soon it was time for Patrols with the Bain of my existence: Mr Potter. Of course, all civility was expected, and so half-an-hour before, I headed off to Quarters to organise some things for the next day, and wait for Potter patiently. However, upon entrance into the magnificent common room that the previously mentioned Head Boy and I shared, I was astonished to hear the chit-chatter of a number of boys coming from his room. I was enraged, to put it pleasantly. I was about to storm in to his room and demand why he had let in his friends in the first place, when I was further astonished by the topic of their chatter.

"So Moony, the self-acclaimed expert on girl-concerned, what should I do to charm her with my wit and excellence, so that she'd go out with me?" was the arrogant voice of the user of the room.

"James, I did not call myself an expert on her, I just said you're fighting a losing battle at the rate you're going," was the response of a new friend.

I assumed this was another of those worshippers Potter had- no doubt a bunch of girls who thought they knew what they wanted, but only saw power and prestige in light of the so-called handsome Mr Potter, but the rest of the conversation was shocking, to put it lightly.

"A losing battle, eh? The fact is Moony, when you're with Lily, you're always in a losing battle, no matter what side you're on," responded the arrogant male once again.

I stood back, uncertain as to what was going on. Lily- were they talking about _me_? What was going on? I leaned in once more to try and catch onto what was going on.

"See that's where you're wrong. Lily's a great person, who's really concerned about everything-really. You've just never bothered to actually get to know her."

"What! That's utter nonsense- I've tried to-"

"Flirt? Act overly arrogant? Seriously Prongs, if you want to actually get a girl, you've got to learn more about her, and appreciate her as a friend before you fall head-over-heels in love with her."

"Love? Hold on a sec, who said anything about love?"

"Oh please, Prongsie, my lad, if anything, you should realise by liking her for four years, that you're either in love with her, or you're infatuated. Either way you're doomed, my boy." _Great Black was there as well. Black should really not give out advice, he's never had a serious relationship- he was just a plain flirt, when it came down to it. Flirtatious, but not a move maker._

The nightmare was getting worse- this had to be a joke. Of course everyone knew I was outside- Potter must have a portrait or a ghost in there that told him I was arriving or something like that. They thought it would be funny to make me think that Potter actually cared for me, not trying to just trying to remind me how low I was on the social ladder. It was the inly way the situation made any sense for me

I'd had enough. I was exhausted, and I didn't want anything else to pull me down at that point in time, so, hesitantly, but surely, I pushed the door open, "Potter!" I tried to glare at him, but was unsuccessful. All three members of the conversation, and their fawning friend looked at me, speechless.

"Potter, would you please come outside, so I can have a talk to you." I asked after long last. He stubbled out, looking at me quizzically.

I pulled him by the arm away from the door, and asked him in urgent whispers, "What are your friends doing here?"

He said nothing at all.

"Look, I don't mind you spending time with your friends, nor do I really care what you lot talk about, but this is the _Head's_ Quarter, not the Marauder common room." I tried again for a response.

"Look, Lily, I didn't know you felt like this, okay? I mean it's my room, for Merlin's sake, and so I thought that it would be fine that my friends came over. You weren't in, after all." I said quite calmly, as if wondering as to what I was hinting before- no doubt stressing that his joke had failed.

"Look, I don't mind you talking to your friends, I'd just appreciate it if you paid attention to the rules for once, and don't invite people over who aren't meant to be here." I tried to respond reasonably.

"It's a rule?" I nodded, sighing. "Oh, Lily, I'm sorry, okay? If you don't like it, they won't come by here again: though I thought you wouldn't mind, since I heard you and a member of my _mischievous gang, _the Marauders are now friends." He smirked.

"Friends, or not friends, Potter, it's no concern of yours." I bit my tongue- that had come out harshly- far more harshly than I meant it. I covered up, "Look, Potter, I don't mind you having friends over. Just ask me beforehand, okay?"

He nodded.

"Oh and we've Patrols in-"

"Fifteen minutes, I know. I'll get them out of here." He interrupted as I walked towards my room. I collapsed into the soft covers of my four-poster bed. I really didn't want to be here at that particular moment- too many things happening at once.

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**Author's Note: **Fifth Chapter up now- sorry it's been so long- work is such a killer- and my dad smartly disabled the line we had connected our ADSL to, so right now I'm stuck with using dial-up. It's up to you to judge this chapter. It's different, but at least the story's moving a bit now. The next chapter will take some time. I've typed up about 1000 words already, but we'll just have to see.

Oh, and I got an email from someone who would prefer not to be mentioned, so I'll put it simply: Lily is not a Mary-Sue (as this person thought she was). I'm just trying to create a character who I think justifies her character in the books. It's taking me quite a while, and I do tend to delete a whole section if it doesn't meet my approval. Yes, there is a tinge of me in her, just like every character I create/use, there is a part of me in each one of them. That's how I write.

Thanks to:

_Whimsical Firefly_- It might be going a bit fast, or slow, but I suppose its going okay- we'll just have to see. Thanks for all your reviews so far, you've been a great reviewee- very much appreciated! As to the answer to your question- I think Sirius mentioned it.

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!


	7. Confusion

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 6: Confusion

Patrols were interesting. No comment was made on the previous conversation in his room, so any thoughts on the words actually being true escaped my mind. It was a joke, I was now sure, but one that failed miserably due to my outbreak. Even so, it seemed that Potter was taking his friend's advice, and was now actually attempting to talk to me.

"So Lily, where do you think we'll catch someone today?" He asked as we left the Quarters.

"Astronomy Tower is the most likely place, with a chance of catching someone outside, near the lake. Others are the usual spots: the owlery, the dungeons, and a few people just prowling along. Watch out for those in disguise as well." I responded, attempting to be friendly.

"I'll bet there's no-one in Astronomy Tower, but a couple in the dungeons, three people near the lake, and two prowlers." He grinned.

"That's a bit accurate. What, do you assign spots for late night wanderers?"

"Not in the least. I'm just guessing." He smiled once again.

He was right about the astronomy tower- it was empty, with the exception of a couple of Third Year students under the guidance of their Professor, but no wanderers. I assumed he knew about the class.

"Ah, see, told you." His ego shone out of his face. I cringed

"I'm sure you just knew about the class," I responded flatly

"Maybe. But, that's not important."

"Right." I looked away as we descended down to the dungeons.

"So Lily, I was wondering-"

Three Hufflepuff girls interrupted him, as I pointed to them. They seemed to be huddled around a cauldron, all excited about something they were brewing. I cleared my throat.

One turned around, and looked at me in shock.

"We were, we were just trying to-" she muttered

"Prepare something for Potions," the other one added.

" A likely story," replied Potter dryly, "especially since you decided to do it late in the night, with no supervising professor."

I walked towards them, and pulled out the sheet of paper that they had been using to make the potion. "A love potion, for those in need for a spark to their relationship." I read aloud from the packet. " What were you trying to do? Entice the Potions master into a state of unmeasurable love for you three?"

The blushed. "It wasn't for him. It was for someone else," replied the one who had noticed us first.

"Alright, either way, what you were doing is against the rules, and you were up after hours completing it. I'm not going to take away points now, but I suggest you pay a visit to your Head of House, and explain in detail what happened before I get the opportunity to, or there may be serious consequences." I added authoritatively.

"Anyhow" added Potter to the conversation, "the potion you were trying would not bring you fair results. The Love Potion, though it may work miraculously for a while, it doesn't bring out the truth of someone's feelings for you. If you really want someone to like you, get them to like you for you, not because you magically made them to- it's the only way you'd feel anything."

I stood back. That was exactly the way to handle a situation like this. The students should be convinced, morally, not only because of their fear of punishment, that what they were doing was wrong, and Potter had somehow managed to do it excellently. To tell you the truth, at that moment, I was amazed, and really impressed by Potter's actions, but I could not admit that- that would mean denying everything I thought I knew about him, and I wasn't about to do anything like that. So in return he just gained another ounce of my respect- something which was building up.

The hour zipped by us, and Potter was correct about al his guesses- an accuracy that made me highly suspicious. So I ventured to ask him about it, but he claimed it was just a calculated guess. He then turned to his desk and carried on with whatever homework he was trying to finish. Yes, to my shock and horror, Potter was actually getting some work done.

The studious hours passed quickly, and I blocked out all other thoughts. I did not get the opportunity to finish my Transfiguration- but it was part of an on going process of turning a rock, or any inanimate object into a tool, into a living breathing animal- the most complex of all transfiguration processes. So far, I'd managed to make the shape of a fox but nothing further. According to Professor McGonagall, we should have had a couple of tufts of hair by now, but I didn't know how long that was going to take.

The fact was, begin Head Girl was strenuous- and almost not worth it. A larger influence on that matter was that I had nothing that could remove that burden, and that perhaps made everything feel so much worse. I really just wanted someone to talk to about it- but that was not likely to happen. Another factor was that James and I simply did not get along as a Head Boy and Head Girl should. Last year, Alice Prewett and Frank Longbottom were so successful at the positions they held, that they had managed to make the prefects of Gryffindor and Slytherin get along quite well- at least until Potter had his 'great prank' by placing the repetition Charm on the Slytherin common room fire, that said 'Slimy Slytherins Smell' and 'Groovy Gryffindors Grow Greatness' (don't ask- I thought they were really sad as well) repetitively.

I suppose the only thing that really kept me going was the feeling that Potter was changing- that it had become easier to talk to him- and perhaps we could finally do something good for the school. Dumbledore was not a foolish man, and nor was any of the staff who respectively chose Head Boy or the Head Girl. He knew the depth of our differences, and had selected the both of us on that basis.'

With those thoughts, I finally fell asleep.

* * *

Professor Dumbledore had called for a meeting the next day at Lunch, so Potter and I were there straight after Transfiguration. We had arrived a few minutes early, so we could not enter his office. I didn't exactly know what to do standing there with Potter right next to me, so I asked him simply, "How far are you in Transfiguration?" in an attempt to make conversation.

"It's going fantastically, the deer I'm transforming my quill into has gained its shape, and all its fur, so not much further to go, you?" He smiled, before returning his gaze at his shoes.

"All its fur! You're miles ahead!" I said in amazement.

"I guess, but it's not that hard. Lets just say deer comes naturally to me." He said with a glint in his eyes.

"Not that hard? Transfiguration takes so much effort and time!" I cringed. I didn't mean to say that all- Potter was not meant to know my faults.

"Really? I thought you aced through it last year."

"Aced through it after a lot of hard work, sure." I said hesitantly- there was no point lying now.

"Oh, right. You know Lily, if you want any help, you can always ask?"

Much to my relief the gargoyles in front of Professor Dumbledore's office moved at this point, so I had no need to respond.

"Ah. So you're here on time. This is a good beginning of a new year. Sit down, sit down please." Dumbledore gestured as we entered the room.

There were three seats in front of his desk. As I had entered the room first, I sat down on the closest seat. Potter took the seat next to me, as I looked at him in awe.

"Good good. I assume you know why I called you here?" Dumbledore drew our attention back to him

I shook my head, while Potter answered, "Not exactly sir."

"Of course, I did not tell you, that's right. But, we must now make this objective, as we do not have much time."

We nodded.

"I am impressed by your efficiency and progress that you have had this week, and I am glad to see Hogwarts running normally so quickly after the events at the beginning of this term."

"Thank you, sir," I responded since Potter said nothing.

"You are welcome Miss Evans. Now, other things have come to my attention as well. I believe the Halloween Feast is the first event of this year, before Quidditch matches begin."

I nodded.

"Well, due to the obvious bias on Mr Potter's side, I leave Miss Evans in control of calculating the dates for the Quidditch matches, and I leave both of you in charge in the Feast. Decoration plans can be given to either Professor McGonagall or I, who will organise it from there."

Once again, I nodded, "Professor, is it alright if I consult the Quidditch Captains of each house before finalising dates?"

"Brilliant idea- I am once again very impressed Miss Evans."

"Thank you, Professor." I blushed, to have a compliment by the most powerful magician in England was not something to be taken lightly, but I still felt I had not done anything.

Trivial details were then discussed, such as the use of the Seventh Year Study Rooms (which were not to be used until after the Feast), and the potential problem caused by students who were suffering under the torments of Voldemort. However, the meeting finished quickly enough, and we were about to leave until Professor Dumbledore added without tearing his eyes from his parchmentwork "Oh, Mr Potter, since you will have more free time, I suggest you make sure the Feast is enjoyable. I assume you and your friends can handle that."

Potter looked at me as we walked out with an extremely puzzled look. "Did he-?"

I shifted in my shoes, _he couldn't have, but he did._ I nodded, "Just make sure it's innocent, okay?" I continued to stare at my shoes, shocked that the Headmaster had approved of a prank.

"Innocent?" His glasses slipped as he lifted up his eyebrows. I looked away, once again to stare at my shoes

"You know, something that doesn't utterly destroy Slytherin-Gryffindor relations." I added too sharply for my liking.

"What Slytherin-Gryffindor relations? The ones where they treat everyone they know as if they were superior? The ones where they spit on people just because they're not pureblood? Which one, Lily? You tell me." He sounded disgusted.

Anger reached boiling point, but I did not want to have a shouting match in the middle of the day, in the middle of the school corridors, so I spoke calmly. "Not every Slytherin is like that you know? Slytherins are ambitious, that's what's in their personality, that's it. You've just created an aura around it, just because they have a few bad students."

"Oh, really? Well Gryffindor isn't like that, I mean we may be brave, but we don't put down people because of it."

"The little your perfect ignorant mind knows, the better." I was annoyed now. He knew so little about the way people treated me, the way he treated everyone- it disgusted me.

"What are you on about Evans?"

I cringed, the harshness of 'Evans' hurt, but I know I had to explain. "You should walk the corridors in your magnificent invisibility cloak after your anti-Slytherin pranks, and you might hear the voices of muggleborn Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs talking. Trust me they are not complimentary."

"And how do you know? I suppose they only say it because they know you hate every shred of me."

I cringed once more, "The little you know about me. You know Potter, your friends were right—perhaps you should get to know me on occasion, and you would find a very different person than you think. But it's not like you really care. You should learn to be a bit more observant, and you might notice that there are other forms of disguise than being invisible."

I walked faster. I couldn't stand to be near him at that moment. I hated having to say things like that to anyone, even if it was to Potter. Why did he always have to destroy everything when it was just getting better? There were things I'd never understand.

I could hear him fainting calling out "Lily" from a distance, but I ignored it. I had to find somewhere to hide, so I could get rid of the meaningless façade I was putting on. The only place to turn was Myrtle's bathroom- no one dared to enter except for I, so I wasn't bound to meet anyone, except Myrtle.

I curled up in the corner, wrapping my hands around my legs. Why did things like these happen to me? Did Potter actually hate me or like me? What was happening with Remus- was he only being friendly with me because Potter had asked him to? What about home- why had no one written when I'd sent Anasuya so long ago?

"Lily, is that you?" the monotonous voice or Myrtle filled the bathroom. She looked at me- "What's the matter this time?"

"Myrtle, I don't really want to talk about it." I really did not wan to hear her voice when I was trying to sort things out.

"But Lily, I know how you feel."

"Myrtle, we lived in different times, we've lived different lives. I'm not the same as you. You're a nice ghost, no doubt, but we're not the same."

The noise which had named her 'moaning Myrtle' started again. I groaned. I couldn't deal with it all right now. I just wanted to run away and hide. Everything was just getting too complicated. I did something I shouldn't have done- I got up and I walked out, leaving the poor ghost weeping her ghost away. I dissolved myself in work again, and ignored my emotions.

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**Author's Note: **Sixth Chapter up now- it's fast, but the next one won't be for a while- sorry :(. Please do tell me what you think about this chapter- moving too slow, too fast- too weird? Tell me if you hate it or love it- I like the beginning best, but that's only my opinion. Oh and just so I can give my political opinion: Australia voted wrong in voting back John Howard (grr). Sorry had to be said. No offence to anyone, but those who supported the racist Family First, or the xenophobic One Nation.

Thanks to:

_Whimsical Firefly_-Nice to hear you liked the chapter. I think that one was my favourite, but some interesting ones might come up. I don't think Lily's insecure, but I'll obviously have to add some bits on to make it more clear. James isn't as nice as he might seem- he's still a little bit of a tease, but according to the books, he's meant to have matured a bit, so I'm trying to incorporate that. I think more than anything she doesn't take James seriously anymore- but that's all changing, so we'll just have to see. Thanks so much for all your reviews- you deserve a gold medal :) 

_Lightstorm-_ Thanks for the review. Glad you've liked it so far, but as to see what's going to happen, you'll just have to wait. This fic. is going to be long.

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you liked it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!


	8. Conversations

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten): In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 7: Conversations

At the end of a strenuous day, I returned to Heads' Quarters to get some rest before training. The weekend had finally arrived again, and two days without any lessons whatsoever seemed like a dream come true. I needed to organise myself, and catch up on all my homework, and then I had to organise the dates for the Quidditch matches. I had called for a meeting between all the respective Quidditch Captains of each house for the day after tomorrow, so they could confirm the dates were unbiased and fair. But before that I would have to consult someone with exceptional skills in Divination to predict weather conditions for the dates, and due to the 'Lily Evans help desk' in the library, I knew just the right Sixth year.

However, before anything could be done, I had entered Quarters, having to face Potter, coming fresh out of the bathroom, with hand towel drying his stray black hair.

"You know, there's _actually_ a spell for a quick dry." I muttered, not impressed in the least.

I groaned at his response, with was, as per usual, a slight smirk as though he was pleasantly amused. I groaned- so much for change in the male sex. They were supposed to slightly mature at 17, but that was a joke in Potter's case.

"Lily-wait!" So it seemed the boy did have a voice, and it could, on occasion, sound slightly desperate. Truth was, I didn't feel like listening. I didn't feel like paying attention to a word he was saying. I wanted to get into my room, close the door, and figure things out. However, being the person I am, I turned slightly, after placing my bag on my desk, a glared at him.

"What is it this time Potter? Have you come up with another ploy to cause more trouble that its worth? And am I your new guinea pig?"

"Guinea pig?" He asked questionably, but then shook his head as if it was not important. "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry- I mean I didn't mean to- I mean I did at the time- but-"

"Get to the point already." I really wasn't in the mood for any more delay, especially those caused by the oh-so-wonderful Potter.

"Fine." He looked around hesitantly, as if gathering his thoughts. "I just want to say I'm sorry. You were right in some of your deliberations, especially concerning the nature of a _few_ of our pranks. I mean, to an extend, it is true that your knowledge is minimal, and entirely based on your observations, but either way, some of the pranks must stop."

I was shocked- Potter was admitting fault, he was accepting that he was wrong -well partially- it was all just too scary for me to do anything but continue to stare quite rudely at him. Even so, I felt something had been lifted, a heavy weight that had been weighing down on my shoulders since the 'argument'. It was as if the 'argument' had created the drop-dead feeling that I had been facing earlier. It was impossible to even consider why, so I took the only logical explanation possible- it was for the school. Head Girl and Head Boy relations had to be good for the school to function. That was it.

I nodded, not really knowing what to say.

His hazel eyes shot me look of amusement, though his facial features remained calm. "Does that mean I am forgiven?" His tone was level, but his eyes would not lie.

"Perhaps, but you seem too content. It seems too easy for you to get away-"

"I threw out my pride! Anyway, I just had Quidditch. Flying tends to lift the spirits."

"Oh."

My only flying experience was disastrous. Flying lessons for me involved numerous trips to Madam Pomfrey's, and if my spirits did rise, they tended to crash when the sound of laughter hit my ears.

"Anyway Lily-don't you think that we should get a head start in organisation for the feast?" I was suddenly pushed out of the realms of my memories. I blushed slightly.

"The feast?" I was puzzled.

"The Halloween feast Dumbledore asked us to organise." He looked at me suspiciously. "Are you alright?"

"Um- Yes. I just sort of blanked out for a bit. Er, so what have you planned for the feast?" I couldn't really say why I was feeling so awkward. I felt odd, like as if channelling those memories had sparked something in me. But I couldn't think on it right now- I had duties, and those kept me sane.

"Well, not much really- I thought we'd brainstorm for a bit- puts our heads together, and try and catch a few ideas." He had already pulled out a piece of parchment and an ink-containing quill to scribble down a few notes. It seemed he was more that I had expected.

"Well- I don't see the need for change, the ceremony's been practiced the same for years, there's not been much change-except the composition of people." I really believed what I had said- there was no need for change.

"It's true, we can't kill the traditional aspects of it, but we can jive it up a bit!" He was way to excited for my own liking.

"Jive it up? Who's put you on a Cheering charm this time?" He looked uncomfortable- I could have hit myself- there were times where I said the most stupid things without thinking.

"Er, right. I just meant a change of decorations. The old ones we drag out each year are looking a bit drab, and definitely not in with it all right now."

It hit me then- the magnificent way, in which the feast could be celebrated without the fuss. "I don't think they need a change- just reviving."

"What?" He was looking at me, one eyebrow above the other, still carrying that odd smirk on his face.

"Well, the decorations are getting to a stage where they begin to fade, look boring, out-of-date, right?"

He nodded.

"Well suppose we 'cheer them up', brighten the brightest pumpkin, enhance the shadow that falls behind it. In that way we save resources, and keep tradition going."

He seemed to be thinking a bit, as though a thousand thoughts were passing through his head, each playing a game, trying to create some sort of rationality- some clear concept of reason.

"It sounds good Lilykins, but do you know a spell for it?"

"Actually there's a whole book on it in the library- its rather dusty, but it'll-" It hit then, when my mind had had enough time to figure it out, "You-you just called me 'Lilykins'." The words didn't really form- they were forced out.

"Oh right, must have slipped out." He spoke calming, but a slight pink rose to his cheeks, "Anyway about the Hallow-"

"What to do you mean 'slipped out'? I mean, you had to be thinking of it-" I was shaking- there was no rational explanation.

"Eh- I guess it's an affectionate nickname- I tend to form nicknames for a lot of people I'm comfortable with. If you don't like it, I won't use it." He was still blushing, with that tiny smirk on his face.

I didn't really know what to say. It was peculiar to think of any form of affection from him. "I suppose it's fine. Um-it's a bit strange, that's all. Not really ever had a nickname, except-well, I'm not going to mention that one."

He laughed awkwardly. I tried to change the topic, hoping that the discomfort would disappear, and luckily it did, for a short while, whilst drawing half-mad suggestions of feast plans.

"Are you sure the scent will work?" I asked half-an-hour later.

"It's not a scent, Lily- it's an aroma. And this _aroma_ will work. It _will_ entice people to the tables, more faster than normal- with no Slytherins kept uncounted." His hands were dramatically acting out the situation.

"They're still human, Potter."

"James."

"Huh?" Was he implying-?

"I have a first name, and it's James."

"I know?" He was, wasn't he-?

"And I would prefer it if you used it." He _was._

"And spoil the fun in calling you 'Potter'?" I was in a good mood, a bit high on air, really.

"Why, Lily, you make it sound like a crime!" He placed a hand upon his open mouth.

"Oh, but it is, it is! The whole experience of calling you 'James' is quite daunting indeed!" I added on, laughing towards the end.

"Daunting, is it? And here I was thinking that it would sound absolutely lovely to hear the simple sounds of 'J-aym-z' ringing from your mouth."

I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze- it did not falter. I was not comfortable- it felt odd. The whole conversation was moving to be too close to flirtation. I needed to move away, change the subject- do anything but leave this awkward silence that had ensued. I looked up at the clock upon the mantle piece, seeing how long we had spent in conversation.

"Pot-James we're going to be _really_ late, we only have ten minutes!" I panicked, rushing to my feet, trying to get things sorted in my head.

"What are you talking about, dinner's not for another-"

"Not dinner! Do you remember anything, ever?" I was getting a bit worried now- I couldn't find my wand and we had to rush.

"What is it Lily?"

"Auror Training, you fool. You'll need your wand." My wand had to be there somewhere. I know I had it with me a while ago. There it was, sticking out of that piece of parchment.

James had come out with his wand, looking a lot more prepared and calm than I was. "Are you sure we go without dinner?" He asked squinting his eyes a bit. "I'm starving!"

I groaned- what a typical boy response. I reached into my bag and gave him a chocolate frog. "There."

"Aw, Lils I didn't know you cared."

"I don't, now we have to get a move on!" I couldn't believe his calm attitude to the situation present.

"Alright, alright. Hold on- you're not coming as well, are you?" I _was_ annoyed now.

"No, I'm just chasing after you because I can't stand be away from you." Sometimes, some people…

"But-but-you're a _girl_?!"

I should have expected this. I mean, it was to be expected. No female (except Alice Prewett last year) had become an Auror in recent years. It was just really rare. Somehow people found it really hard to accept that women would actually want to fight back for the right cause like some men do. It was absolutely foolish. But somehow I had not expected it from him. I mean I really thought he had quite a liberal mind. It was as if something was wrong with his saying it- I felt unsettled.

"Next thing you're going to say is that I shouldn't be at Hogwarts because I'm muggleborn." I tried to keep calm, a little disconcerted.

"I didn't- I mean I- You know that I wouldn't say such a thing Lily. I would never even think that!" I kept on walking faster to the dungeons where the training session was going to be held. I couldn't say anything. I had excepted him to understand- though now I really didn't know why. I didn't know why I'd bothered thinking about it. I didn't even know why I was thinking about it. I didn't want to- I pushed it out of my mind.

We had finally reached, a couple of minutes early. I was relieved-well at least until I entered the classroom. But then, I was simply _overjoyed_ to notice that I was the only female in the class, surrounded my Black, Potter, another Gryffindor and a couple of Ravenclaws. _How exciting!_

Eyes glared at me as I sat down. Everyone was seated at separate desks, each devoted to and surrounded by a list of requirements and expectations of the course which we were taking. Normally the course would be taken after school had finished, and students were selected depending on school recommendations and NEWT results. This year it had been held in Hogwarts due to the shock of Voldemort, and predictions said that the atrocities were to continue for a few years, minimum.

The workload was going to be heavy, as the course would add upon the school work required and whatever duties James and I had. It was going to be a very tough and stressful year, by the looks of it.

I could still feel the eyes on my back, glaring at me in awe. I really wanted to dissolve dark emptiness of my chair, such that no-one would have to notice. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks, and a faint blush appearing. However, as it progress, that faint shade of embarrassment was turning to a darker shade of anger. I could feel the anger within me oozing out. _Did I not have the right to be here? Was bravery only a man's sport? _If anything, women are much braver than men. They have to face pregnancy, pre-menstrual stress and a lot more, and all this while having to accept the patriarchal world they live in. They had NO right to look at me like that. Had not other witches throughout history proven that they were just as good-if not better?

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**Author's Note: **Fifth chapter up now. Sorry it's taken so long. There's been MAJOR exams (which I'm still stressed out about)- I just hope I get into the Uni of my choice. Otherwise, thanks for your patience. I hope this provides some substance.

Oh and how sad is the 'whale situation' in Tasmania? I blame humanity, and our way of over-using the resources

Thanks to:

Whimsical Firefly- She was talking about disillusionment, which she had put into last time. I have given up on voting systems. I mean now Bush is in AGAIN! Next thing we'll know is that Blair will be back (although he is better that a Tory). 

_NFlora-_ Another name change. Thanks for the review!

_Eternal Sun-_ Thanks so much. Its good to hear such reviews. Its true a lot of stories out there are just way too unrealistic. I try to make them as real as possible, but I don't know how successful that is!

Bemj11- Thanks! 

_Lachwen-_Thanks as well.

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you t or not, and where I can improve. Thanks! 


	9. Watching and Learning

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 8: Watching and Learning

Why are there times when I feel so alone? I mean it was perfectly acceptable to for me to be alone, but to feel the emptiness,the hollowness than reigns over the pit of your stomach like a cold fog that just won't clear- that's the abnormal side to it. I was surrounded by people-even if it was just a bunch of boys, who hardly knew me. But then again, who did know me? I was alienated due to my sex, nothing else. I had no need to feel lonely.

But even so, there are times when you want people to see beyond the skin, beyond the shallow, and see who you really are, but that wasn't not likely to happen. They couldn't comprehend why a 'weak' female would even consider the field they had chosen. This was a man's world- what had I expected? Did they not remember Bellatrix Black last year who had used her 'feminine' ruthlessness to bully numerous students who were not in Slytherin, without punishment? Of course I was going to fight. Anyway, no man can outsmart a woman- it's just impossible. They needed a woman in the field.

It was amazing though, one would have thought that wizards, who had 'discovered' equality of the sexes at least 500 years before their muggle counterparts, would understand a female's choice to become an Auror. But they didn't, they expected me to become, at worst, a healer, a more acceptable 'feminine' occupation. Because, of course, why would we want to chip our nails (though magic can grow them back in a matter of seconds)?

The glares and glances from these few boys could have scorched my skin, had they had the potential to emit low concentrations of heat. I had to look everywhere else but directly at them. The room was mostly in shadows, surrounded by a variety of strange and odd bottles, and furnishings. The only empty spot was the left front corner so it seemed to be the only right place to look, the shadows still covered it, but it was blank, at least it seemed so. As I deepened my stare, I noticed a slight movement. Immediately, without I thought, I revealed the concealer, disarmed him, and placed a jelly legs jinx on him.

The class was in chaos, each person had turned to try and figure out what I was doing, and it almost seemed liked they were going to turn against me. However, it was then that I would felt the agony of my action, when I turned to notice that sprawled on the floor, groaning uncomfortably, was my Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I flushed, quickly muttered the counter curse to the jinx, and handed back his wand. I wanted to flee.

"I am so so so sorry, sir. I didn't realise- I should have known- I just reacted on instinct- I should not-" My voice did not stop, I did not want to face his wrath. He wasn't the best teacher we'd had. In most of our Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, he had a tendency to drone on and on about the affects of small defence manoeuvres, even though, at most times, they were of little importance. His lack of height, though, was a misguiding factor. When he would lose his temper, which was frequent, his voice had a tendency to carry down most of the hallways in the school. No, I was quite certain I did not want to face that wrath.

Remarkably, he smiled, well, at least the corners of his mouth shifted slightly upwards. "Ah, no Miss Evans, that was perfect, quite perfect. In fact, I would like to speak to all of you on Miss Evans' actions. Out of all you supposed strong 'masculine' figures, none of you noticed by presence, except for the only female in this class, Miss Evans. Had I been an enemy, a friend of the Dark Arts, a Death Eater, you would all certainly faced a quick, but painful death without Miss Evans. I am impressed by you Miss Evans, even if that jinx was slightly inappropriate."

I blushed, but was relieved that after what I had done, he did not consider a severe punishment. I put my hand up, and hesitantly asked, "Sir, may I ask what a Death Eater might be?"

"Quite simple- a member well-immersed into the Dark Arts, and in the close niche of Lord Voldemort. In other words, a vile creature whose idea of fun is mass murder and pillage, creating chaos, and following the fascist and half-witted ideas of Voldemort himself." He spoke rather quickly, but turned to face James through the whole explanation.

Once again, I asked hesitantly, "Is there any distinguishing mark or feature that separates them from others-such that they are easier to spot?" I felt stares on my back again, "Just so we know, in case…" I added.

"Actually, that's a good question." He turned to face the class, avoiding James this time, "I don't suppose you have heard of the 'masked criminals', who have been linked to the deaths and kidnappings of wizards and non-wizards alike?"

Hesitantly, each one of us nodded, all except James, who seemed to have become deathly pale. Even though he definitely had problems of chauvinism, I felt a strange kind of empathy for him. I didn't know what it felt to discuss the people who murdered someone so close to you, but I could feel his pain around me. His desperate need to break free, forget all about it and run free. But he didn't. He just sat there.

Simple duelling was the first task. _An opportunity to show our level of skill as well as get used to the people we would be working with for the next 100 years, or, at least until our deaths,_ I thought, before really thinking about what I was thinking. It struck me then what sort of training I had applied for- that for which the average life-span was extremely short, and death was almost certainly around the corner. And if not for me, then definitely someone in this room. I shuddered, but focused again on the task assigned.

To my luck, I was assigned to work with Sirius for the lesson. But, surprisingly, he was oddly really focused. He didn't ignore instructions, just did what he was supposed to. In fact, he had this determined glint in his eye, a self-confident, but not arrogant, glint, as if he were trying to prove something to himself, not others. I have to advise after seeing his glint, that you must never underestimate the power of glints. The aftermath of our first couple of duels was extremely painful! He won 6 of the 11 duels we played, and I was certainly impressed, at least in a Sirius Black manner impressed.

The only time we were allowed to relax was while we were eating. The dinner was simple- a couple of pasties and sandwiches, along with a mug of butterbeer. All sorts of chitchat filled the room- Quidditch discussions, wizardry politics, and even on the ethical implications of not informing those Muggles injured by 'Death Eaters' or in crossfire, of the absolute truth about who attacked them. I must say, after that heated argument, I knew there were going to be too many 'alien abductions' or 'free trips to Spain' this year.

Mostly, I remained quiet, entertained by their conversations, and the way the spoke. It seemed as though it was passionate, but they carried it casually. There was no emotion in the way that they spoke, but it was as if there was a string that had tied them all together inside. But they were human, and thus marred by an element of chaos. Black's comments were, on occasion, reflective of the background he detested, or marked by the difficulty he faced being a Gryffindor, whilst having to face a family that hurled fascist and prejudiced comments on those he had befriended.

Words are amazing tools, with the ability to reflect the utter being of each person in that room. James carried an aura of loss in his words- a deep sadness, blanketed by a crumbling façade of acceptance and humour.

It was in the middle of this wild pursuit to slightly comprehend the male sex, that I felt a light taping of Dumbledore's wand on my shoulder. He proceeded to usher me out of the room.

"What do you see?" He asked softly, as if he wanted no-one else to hear his words.

"What do you mean, sir?" I replied, under my breath.

"You have a skill, Miss Evans. What can you tell me about Mr Potter and Mr Black?" he asked again.

I didn't exactly know what he meant. "Just by looking at them- I don't understand, sir-" I was nervous now- was this some sort of test for all trainees?

"Lily, you have a skill which allows you to understand people, looking beyond their masks, and noticing exactly who they are. What can you tell me about Mr Potter and Mr Black- I see that you have had a little time to get to know them."

I was still nervous. If this was a skill, I had no idea that I had it. Would what I say be right, or would he be disappointed?

"Pot- er- Mr Potter is still suffering from the loss of his parents, but is attempting to repress it under a mask of contentment. And- um- Mr Black still feels the strain of separation from his family, and thus remains a child wanting the attention he had never received whilst growing up. And I- I do not know anymore to tell." Truthfully, even I had no clue I knew that.

"It is indeed a gift, Miss Evans. Although I am not sure whether it is or it is not magical- it could be old magic- I expect to use it wisely. I shall have to tell the Professor. You could have a very strong career in front of you." He disappeared after he finished, using a small nod to bid farewell. I floated back into the room, my mind flying off to different worlds of thought. Professor Dumbledore's words always had an interior motive, or meaning, and I was struggling to figure out what exactly they were…

As homework seems to come from anything school related, Auror training was no exception. Training was assessed simply. As fieldwork would be project based, the same was used in homework. Each student was assigned to research a particular field, presenting an outlined report (7 ft parchment), and a presentation to class. The name of the field was supplied and an advised list of textbooks and research ideas were passed out.

I had been assigned to research whatever I could under 'Protection against the Unforgivable Curses'. A difficult task, as everyone knew there was no antidote to any of the curses. Research in old magic was required, thus research in the 'Restricted Section' of the library was required. However, no passes or signatures were supplied for research. We were told to 'find our own ways' to do our research. In other words, we had to do it without permission. It wasn't that hard. I had done it before in broad daylight, and not been caught. It was the only way I learnt anything outside the curriculum supplied by the school.

However it was James' reaction that affected me the most. He had been told to gather all information he could on the murders committed by the Death Eaters, what methods they used to entice fear and finally what the outcome of the deaths were. Basically newspaper research, and contacting the Minister of Magic for more details. But it was personal. He had to complete internal research, and of course, as with any other human being (Yes, I am admitting James is human, though he still may be one of the more frivolous types), that was the toughest bit.

The fact is that, he had not argued against it. He had accepted it blankly, as though it would not affect him. He looked cold-faced, empty, and much too pale. I did not see him very long though. He rushed out of the classroom when he had finished. No joke, no smile, not even a passing comment to Black. Entirely abnormal.

The second shock I received was when Black approached me at the end of the lesson, and stated in a surprisingly non-arrogant manner,

"Lily, it's really great having you in this class. I'm really sorry about being so rude earlier."

There was no sarcasm, just sincerity, which in a sense really surprised me. I really believe that was the first thing that Sirius had actually said to me that had any meaning to it at all.

"Um, thanks, Bla-Sirius," I returned him the compliment, and smiled in appreciation.

The truth was I had found out something new about Black. Something about his personality that I had not noticed before, and something, I was quite impressed by. Well, I was impressed by it in terms of 'Sirius Black points' not in the attracted-sense. The fact was that he was actually quite sincere. He would mess around, and not really do anything with much of a purpose other that to irritate people to achieve a sense of pleasure from it. But in the end, he wouldn't really lie to people. Even though he was quite flirtatious, he had never really had a serious relationship. He never got too involved. He was himself, naturally and true. They were all like that, all of the supposed 'Marauders'. Their priorities were themselves, a sense of friendship I knew I would never begin to understand.

But, it was enlightening, and somehow in a very strange way, those thoughts were incredibly comforting.

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**Author's Note: **I am SO sorry that this took so long to update. I have been travelling in India and Kenya for the past three months, and then I had an interview with this university, and now I'm working (because Uni starts in Sept because I'm aiming to go to the UK). So updating has been really difficult, with a lot to do. However, things will improve now, as I am back ;)

I really think that this story is going to be very long…

Thanks to:

_Whimsical Firefly_- Well English elections in May (I think), so yeah… we'll have to see. Labour will definitely come in again, but Social Dems might be able to snatch a few seats. The conservatives have become way too right wing. I don't know about a duel between them, but something is going to happen. Whether it's going to be battle-like or bringing them closer, or both.- well you'll just have to wait and see. 

_NFlora-_ sorry it took so long. Yes, go feminism!

_The Zazu-_ Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I appreciate it a lot. I think no-one is really fixed in their emotions, especially as a teenager. I think I used Lily to explain James' emotions in the above chapter, but more will be revealed in the next chapter. I really like to add that human element in my stories, because creating 'ideal' characters annoys me. However, these characters are actually quite ideal.

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you like it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks! 


	10. Magic' and Tears

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 9: "Magic" and Tears

I spent quite a while trying to figure out exactly what Dumbledore meant during that lesson, when he had pulled me out. Surely that 'ability' to comprehend basic human reactions that he had referred to was no form of 'magic' and that it was just basic human intuition, built up after years of observing people. I was not unique.

It was by thinking along these lines, that I came to an astounding conclusion, one which one could only receive from Dumbledore. I reflected back to that time in First year, where he had said something along the lines of:

"Hogwarts can only teach you what is not learnt naturally. What we will teach you here is only what you will not teach yourself simply by living."

And then what he had said in Fourth year:

"There is no more enigmatic form of magic other than music, yet so few do remember it as magic at all."

Looking only at one of the statements, it would not seem as though there were any links between the two, but looking at both together, and building bridges of thought between them, a greater understanding could be formed. If music, a _magic_ which I had always considered quite _muggle_, was _magic_, then any form of muggle study could be magic as well. I mean, where are the lines between magic and muggle, in terms of what makes us human? That's why it was old. It was human nature, as old as anything Magical can be.

It all fell into place. It was almost beautiful—that is, if that was what Professor Dumbledore had meant.

I turned to find out the time, and realised it was already past 2 am, and I still had to get ready for bed. Stretching from the uncomfortable position I had been sitting in while trying to puzzle things out, I walked out of my bedroom door and into the Common Room. Looking around, I felt that there was something odd about it. Ignoring that impulse, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and quickly go to the loo. However, upon re-entering the room, I sensed that same feeling again, and looked around more carefully. And then it was all clear- there was a lack of moonlight in the room, because placed in front of the window was a large chair, with the shape of a tall young boy seated upon it. I was just about to go and scold him for staying up so late, when, I saw something I had not expected.

To say I felt nothing would be a lie, because just seeing the moonlight reflect on silent tears falling onto James' face stirred me. More than I had expected, anyway. I didn't know what to do. The last person I had comforted was an old muggle school friend, who I'd hugged to comfort. I was neither experienced nor skilled in this department. All I could do was feel his pain. I was going to turn away, head back to my bedroom in fear of facing the situation at hand, but not surprisingly, I managed to trip over the square edge of the floor carpet.

I couldn't get up. It seemed so pointless. James knew I was there now, and there was no point in pretending that I had not seen him. But he didn't say anything. So I lay there, trying to puzzle out why I wanted to run out and just hug him. I put it down to empathy.

His whisper broke through the beautiful silence. "Lily." I froze, and then slowly lifted myself up, walking towards him. "Lily," he tried again, "Do- do you think the sun will shine tomorrow?"

I paused, a little confused. "If it doesn't, then all we can do it try to keep on living." I felt like as if I could understand what he was saying, and the truth was the only way to provide any comfort.

He did not reply for a while, and I had begun to think that that was the end of our conversation, when once again, a quiet whisper rung through the room. "But there is no warmth without it. There is no more warmth."

At this point, his tears were spilling out. I rubbed the palm of my right hand against his shoulder, and pulled a handkerchief out of my pocket and passed it to him. He was shaking, and my heart ached for him. I let him let it all out.

"I don't deserve to be here today. I shouldn't have run. Why?" he paused, as though he couldn't speak. "Why didn't they take me instead?" He looked longingly at me for answers.

I had to come up with something. _Come on, brain, think, use your skills to think about what you would want to hear in this situation. What is the truth? _"Your parents, they'd been working for their whole lives trying to create a perfect life for you. Protect you from all the evil that the world creates." His tears glistened down his cheek "By you dying they would have died without anything. They wanted you to live, James. It's not your fault that it happened. They loved you so much, they would be lost without you."

He was crying heavily now, and I didn't know what to do. I continued rubbing his arm, hoping that letting it all out was worth it.

"Why _them_? Why did it have to happen to _me_? Couldn't _he_ have picked on anyone else but _them_? What did _they_ ever do to _him_?"

I didn't know what to say. I had no answers. I just sat there, my heart aching as I felt his anger and hurt pour out of his heart. He continued to let it all out: all his memories, past fights, happy times, times when Sirius was around, and a lot more. I just listened, soft tears streaming down my face in empathy.

Then there was silence. Beautiful silence that pushed both of us into our own worlds respectively. Thoughts ran through my mind. Times when I too had been close to my family, times when Petunia and I had had happy times. Until Hogwarts, until Petunia became jealous and spiteful, until my parents had to focus more on her, and until I felt distanced from all of them. Things were so good back then.

"James," I said quietly, "you were truly lucky to have parents who cared for you so much."

He didn't anything for a while. "I know." He paused for a while before continuing to speak in a hushed tone, "Sometimes I wonder if I would have ever realised how lucky I was if it didn't happen. I mean I started thinking about it after Padfoot moved in, and all, but it wasn't the same. I took them for granted. We'd fight over silly things, and there were so many times I told them I hated them. I did-"

He stopped speaking. It was as if he didn't want to say anymore, didn't want to remember.

"James, we all do it, it's part of growing up. They knew you loved them, they knew you didn't mean it. I can't say how many times I've said the same thing, not meaning it- " I really didn't want to discuss the relationship I shared with my parents.

He was looking at me by now, and I found myself oddly turning away from him, unable to match his gaze. He stood up, and the distance between us decreased as he towered over me. I felt uncomfortable; my stomach felt uneasy. I couldn't explain my feelings- I didn't understand them. I felt claustrophobic. I stepped back.

"It's late," I whispered in a rather squeaky voice, "We've got a lot to do tomorrow. I should go. Um… Goodnight." I turned to walk away.

"Lily," he whispered. I stopped reluctantly. He walked towards me, and my whole body froze. I couldn't explain anything that I was feeling. Slowly he reached for my hand and squeezed it. "Thank you." He let go, and pulled my hand away quickly. "Goodnight." I barely noticed his hand brushing through his hair.

I ran into my room, not looking back.

How could I explain what I had felt? How could I even understand what happened. I _certainly_ didn't like Potter, at least any more than a friend. Maybe that was it, I felt strange because I had somewhat gained Potter, my sworn bitter enemy, as a friend. And it felt strange. More strange than Remus proclaiming himself as my friend. More strange than when Black had complimented me earlier.

I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about anything. I wanted to sleep. To my relief, I was exhausted, and slipped into darkness…

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**Author's Note: **I am prepared to be stoned with rotten tomatoes. I SUCK, I know. I suck because I can't write, and because I haven't updated for ages, and because that was SO short. I've mostly written the next chapter, though, so that will be up soon :)

Thanks to:

_The Zazu-_ Thank you so much for your next beautiful review. I hate myself for not updating sooner, but my cousin came down for 5 weeks and then I went to New Zealand. I've been writing, but this chapter was hard to construct. The previous chapter was probably one of the worst I've written. I didn't like it too much, and I hope this one is better, but it's not great. About Lily and Restricted section, lets say she's not as 'good' as people believe her to be. She doesn't always follow school rules…

_Steelo_- Sorry this one was shorter, but I'm working on the next one, so it'll be up soon. Cheers :)

_Dragon_ and _Laura_- Thanks. Sorry it took so long!

Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you like it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks!


	11. Mostly Conversation

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 10: Mostly Conversation

The morning sun rose swiftly, and it was a remarkably warm day for autumn. The sun was shining, creating beautiful swirls of red and gold through the autumn leaves. The school looked as if it was ablaze with colour, enhanced by the yellow streams of light that were emitted from the glowing sun.

I slipped out of bed, somewhat exhausted, and headed towards the bathroom to freshen up. Rushing, I managed to get ready just as my watch alarm rung for breakfast. My head was still wet from washing my hair, and feel as strands of dark red on my shoulders. I placed a Quick Dry spell on them, and then tied it back into an easy ponytail whilst heading towards the Great Hall.

I slipped into a seat at the edge of the Gryffindor table, and waited for breakfast to appear. Around me were a few empty seats, with a few random third years sitting nearby. By the sounds of it seemed they were discussing the next Hogsmeade weekend- the one that fell on Halloween. The Halloween Feast: which I had not prepared, and would have to drag James to complete- something which I was not eager to do at all.

Breakfast was served, and the dishes of bacon, toast, eggs, and a few other typical breakfast items appeared on the table. I was just placing a warm crumbly piece of toast on my plate, when I saw someone slip into the place next to mine.

"Morning Lily darling. 'Tis a wonderful morning, don't you think?" His dark hair was flowing across his face- the other of the terrible two. I groaned.

"Now _that_, Lily dear, is not how you should speak to someone who's really grateful to you." He shifted in his seat, and helped himself to a plateful of bacon and eggs.

"Grateful for what, Black. What have you done this time?" I asked exasperated, and starting to butter my piece of toast.

"Nothing, hun. It's what you've done." He was chewing on a rather large piece of egg. He grinned stupidly, as Remus sat down opposite him.

"Hey Lily, Sirius," he said softly. The full moon was approaching, and already he was beginning to look rather pale.

"Hey Remus." I smiled. "I don't suppose you have any clue what he's talking about do you?"

He opened his mouth, but Sirius interrupted him. "It's about Prongs, Lils. What've you done to make him so happy? Looks way too cheerful."

I groaned again, trying to forget what happened last night. Somehow it was so clear, like as if it had been important. "He's always cheerful." I tried to say in a nonchalant manner.

"Ah, but not as cheerful as he is today, rather arrogant actually." He winked at me.

"He's always arrogant." I said again in the same tone, taking the last bite of my slice of toast. I poured myself a mug of hot chocolate.

"No, Lily, James _is_ actually in a really good mood, well the best he's been in since summer, you know?" Remus added softly.

James had sat opposite me before I had even had time to say anything. He had this big smile on his face, which seemed to light up his whole face. I quickly looked down, and drank a sip of my hot chocolate.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" he was helping himself to five slices of toast and a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Perfect day, actually," Black added. "Are we going ahead with the plan?" he looked at Remus and James. Remus nodded.

"If it's okay with Lily, yup we're still on." James turned towards me.

I was confused. Their plan must be one of their pointless pranks, and who knows why they were trying to pull me into it. They'd never asked anyone's permission before, and the likeliness of any approval on my part was unlikely, so I could not even dream to wonder what they were thinking about.

"If it's just another one of your insensitive pranks, I'm not even going to give you an answer." I gulped down my hot chocolate quickly, coughed, and stood up.

James was grinning. "Who said anything about any pranks. In fact, Lily, I really don't approve of these assumptions on your behalf." He was amused, a light smile hit his face, whilst his tone tried to remain serious.

"Not everything is a joke, you know Potter." I stood up.

"Look, Lily, it's not got anything to do with a prank, ok? It's really something quite simple, and it's entirely up to you to whether these lot," he pointed to Remus and Sirius, "are to get involved."

"Can you just spit it out already? What are you talking about?" I hadn't moved away from the table.

His voice was hushed. "Halloween plans. Something to make the entertainment aspect a little more, lets say, flashy this year."

"Flashy?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Flashy, like spiffy, or funky or radical-"

"I know what flashy means, Potter. I was just wondering what _your_ definition of 'flashy' was. Something safe for _all_ students here, I hoping."

James had a serious expression on his face now. "I wouldn't get you in trouble. This is _our_ duty, and if I did do something stupid like that you would also be punished for it. I know better than that. Plus we haven't done anything like that in the decorations, so even if we were to try and attempt to put a prank in, it just wouldn't match."

I didn't know whether that was a compliment, or whether he was truly insulted. "I'm sorry. It's just that when you think of the _Marauders_ at work, it usually does end up with a lot of rule breaking."

Black broke in. "Thanks for the compliment Lils. But. sadly, no rule breaking this time, though there may be a few breaks in convention."

I didn't know whether I believed them or not. Truthfully I knew that I needed help with creativity. I wasn't the sort who would be able to make something really unique. I mean James and I had had that conversation last night, and we had made some advancements, but nothing special. I mean the decoration of the Hall was all planned out, as well as the 'aroma' part, though I still needed to go to the library to get out that book on magical refurbishments.

"I will accept," Black and Remus were grinning, "_but_ on one condition, that I have to approve any plans made." They agreed. I sat down again.

"My dear Lily, will it be any bother if we hold this meeting inside your Common Room." Black asked. I was about to ask 'why', when he continued. "I mean, it has to be secret, right, so your Common Room is ideal." He had turned on his puppy act, as if he were innocently asking for a favour. I sighed, and nodded. It _was_ a nice Common Room, and it would be private. The three of them couldn't do any harm, really.

That's when I noticed the odd nature of the group. "Where's Pettigrew?"

"He's gone to ask some girl from Hufflepuff a question about Muggle Studies, tabbery chargers or something like that." Sirius added, still eating.

"Battery chargers," Remus muttered under his breath, trying to cut a tough piece of bacon.

"Yup, something like that. Anyway, he'll be joining us later." He lifted his head to face Remus. "Oi, just scoff it down, Moony."

Remus smiled, and gracefully pushed the entire piece in his mouth, creating a greasy mark around his lips. He pulled out a piece of cloth and wiped his chin. He smiled.

Sooner or later, we were all in the warmth of the Heads' Common Room, looking upon a book which contained the last 162 Halloween entertainment schedules. After reading the list of the last 25 years, Black began to look a little edgy and bored.

"They're all the same thing: skeletons dancing, wizard bands, and pumpkin carving. Does anyone actually change anything? What happened to imagination? Or innovation? Do people just no longer have those skills?"

"Padfoot, relax. It's not important." Remus was laughing, whilst patting Black on the shoulder.

"How can I be calm at such- such blasphemy? It's an insult to Hogwarts!" He was pacing around the room.

"It's very simple. Deep breaths. In-" Remus took a deep breath in, "and Out." He released his breath.

Sirius moved forward and whacked him on the shoulder. We were all laughing; even _I _was, strange as it was. I had never seen anyone so stressed about organising entertainment as Black was.

"Look, Padfoot, that's why we're here. We're going to make it better." James was speaking, whilst continuing to shuffle through the pages. "I think I've got something!"

We decided to go with a mix of tradition and innovation. The details were minimal, and still needed work. James was going to book a popular Magical Band named Blast-Ended Arachnids (personally, I hadn't heard of them, but Black was so happy when the suggestion was made that he was jumping up and down). I needed to get in contact with the school ghosts and some of the house elves. Along with the school choir, the entertainment was going to be amazing! But a lot of work was going to be put in, and there wasn't much time.

By 4 pm, after stopping an hour for lunch, it was all done. With the exception of having the Blast-Ended Arachnids confirming, and my talk with the ghosts and house elves, all the plans had been laid out.

The irony was, strangely, that I had had an amazing time with the four of them. Even Pettigrew could crack a few jokes here and there! It was like as if their lives didn't mean anything without each other. They were in their own world, the _Marauder_ world, where they thrived. Yes, they loved the attention they got from the rest of the school, especially the girls, but they were nothing without each other, except lost souls, trying to figure out who they were.

Remus stayed behind after the other three had headed towards the Quidditch pitch for some practice (with Pettigrew to support). I smiled.

"You enjoyed it? Think it's going to go well?" I asked him, as he had not said much during the planning.

"Yeah," he nodded, "It's going to be brilliant, I think. Mind if I sit down?" I shook my head, and pointed to the sofa.

"You were very quiet during the plans." I pointed out, calling a chair from the other side, and sitting down.

"Planning's never been the greatest of my skills. I carry the plan through better." He smiled. "You've changed this year, you know?"

I was confused. Although the year so far felt easier, I hadn't noticed any difference. "Really, how so?"

He was quiet for a few moments. "It's like as if you've opened up a bit, you're not to locked in. Like as if you're not letting life treat you so badly anymore. Plus," he grinned, "you're actually talking to _us_."

I laughed. It was strange. If someone had told me last year that I would be sharing Quarters with my sworn enemy, and working on a Halloween feast plan with the Marauders, I would have gone into such hysterics, that they would have had to send me to St Mungo's.

"I don't think it's only I who has changed. All of you four have grown up slightly, even Black, and that's saying something." I smiled, but strangely, Remus didn't return it.

He got up quite quickly, looking at the time. "Growing up isn't always a good thing. Who knows what will have happened to you in a few years time? Either you, James or Sirius could be dead because of what career you want to persue."

I sighed, and walked out with him. I needed to catch up with Sir Nicholas so some plans could be made.

"By the way, Remus," he turned toward me whilst continuing to walk in the other direction, "Thanks."

He smiled, and waved goodbye, whilst I went on the search for Nearly Headless Nick.

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**Author's Note: **Way too much conversation, I agree. Needs more content, but this chapter was required to keep the story going and head it in the direction I want it to go towards. Hope it isn't too bad :(

Thanks to:

_Valhalla96_- Thanks for your reviews. Characterisation is something I really do try and focus on, because a lot of other fanfics of the same type tend to create a lot of shallow, and rather silly, paper thin characters. Otherwise, I'm working on improving my chapters (re-reading). Thanks for the comments :)

_Allacaya_- Thanks for the mistakes, I do it all the time. I am working on fixing them, but it might take a while. Thanks for the review, though!

_Whimsical Firefly-_ You're back! Thanks, glad you enjoyed it- that chapter did take ages to write. Anyone, no avoiding, at least not yet, not until she realises what exactly is happening to her. Oh and, even though I'm in Aus, I'm actually moving to the UK in Sept (for uni), so I'm just doing nothing here, that's why I went to New Zealand in May. Otherwise I hope you're exams went well!

_Thepheonixknight _and _firehottie_

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you like it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks! 


	12. The Order

**When Hope Rises Again…**

**Plot Summary **(in case you've forgotten) In her final year at Hogwarts, the lonely Lily Evans is faced with a new challenge and a new fear. Slowly she begins to see the world through a new light, regaining her self-confidence, and finding a group of friends she could trust forever. This is told through the eyes of Lily Evans, and is not your average LJ fanfic. I try to keep to the real story as much as possible.

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Chapter 11: The Order

By the time the sun had risen on Sunday morning, all was sorted. After wandering around the school about five times, I managed to find James after he'd finished his Quidditch practise. Annoyingly, he had taken an awkwardly long bath before coming to tell me that Nearly Headless Nick was probably somewhere on the Sixth Floor Corridor. And, not surprisingly, Nick was there. The House-elfs were found during our Patrols. After tickling the portrait pear (as James advised), and entering their lair, they expressed such delight at seeing James, that it was almost like I wasn't there- that was, until James introduced me.

"Are you going to come and see us often, young Mistress- like the Masters do?" said one rather enthusiastically, before backing away and begging pardon for being so upfront. I smiled and told her she'd have to wait and see, whilst raising an eyebrow at James, who in return, asked for some custard tarts from the house-elf in front of him. They were more than happy to oblige, and they gave us a bagful, before I excused us, and pulled James towards the exit.

After James popped to the loo, we carried on with our Patrols, and as per usual, he directed me to exactly where the offenders would be located. I was beginning to find this quite suspicious. A few detentions were given out, as well as a few points taken from each house.

James had spoken to Professor Dumbledore whilst I was visiting Sir Nicholas, and things were organised quite quickly then. Although mysterious, and, well quite peculiar, Dumbledore had a knack for organisation. Give him anything, and he would have it done for the school. He was an amazing Headmaster.

The thing was Patrols had never been easier. It was as if normal conversation was now possible with James. And it wasn't only him who was willing to change topics to something we could talk about, because even I had been prepared to listen to his Quidditch talk.

"And being a chaser means you have to keep an eye on everyone else in the game, as well as fly. That's what really gives you that thrill when you're playing in the game. I enjoy the position much more than seeker, which is what I used to play."

"I know." I muttered quietly, though not really meaning him to hear it. But his ears twitched a bit and his expression changed.

"How, how do you know?" He asked, as if puzzled. "I thought you didn't come to any Quidditch matches?"

I blushed, I was going to have to tell him. "Well, actually I kind of did attend. I wouldn't let Gryffindor down, of course." I added the last sentence when he raised his eyebrows. "It was hard not to notice since you've always been more of a brag after you changed to chaser." I added teasingly.

He turned around abruptly, as though he had actually taken what I'd said seriously. However, upon seeing the upended ends of my lips, he let out a little laugh. Then, after an awkward silence where the only sounds that were audible were some portraits snoring, he asked more seriously, "Do you still believe I am conceited?"

I was expecting that question, and I had expected myself to answer a quick 'yes', but somehow the word couldn't come out of my mouth. Truth be told, I was not sure of what exactly I did think of him anymore. I couldn't explain why being near him made me feel a little happier. I couldn't explain why I hadn't been annoyed by the crazy events of the day, where some conversations were so frivolous that, had I heard them a year ago, I would have walked out the room.

"You're changing," was the closest thing that I could say. I whispered the password, '_unspeakables_' to the portrait door, and stepped inside the Head's Quarters.

After a final "'Night, James," I left him in the Common Room just as confused as I was.

So for Sunday morning to dawn the next day was a blessing, for I knew that James would not question what I meant the night before. And I would finally be able to attack that pile of homework that had taken up half of my desk. But, somehow, after a round of the Marauders at breakfast, I did not have the strength nor the concentration span to stare at my incomplete Transfiguration homework.

Beyond the castle, voices and smacking sounds were heard from those practising on the Quidditch pitch. The later leaving winter birds flew past my window, their sweet twittering softening the cold. A diversity of strange sounding movements and gurgling sounds came from the depth of the Forbidden Forest. Tonight was going to be a full moon.

Suddenly, I knew that I could procrastinate no longer. It was much too beautiful outside to sit indoors and do some work. I needed to get out of the Castle and onto the grounds. I needed to see life again. I needed to breathe fresh air. I needed to feel the cold air against my face. I needed to live.

I strode through the corridors as though I was on a mission- noticing that a few students moved to make way for me, whilst a few actually waved to say hello to me as I passed by- something that wasn't quite usual. But it felt good, somehow, that I hadn't hidden away in the corners, and that I was really facing life as it hit me. Ironically, it was actually quite pleasant.

I was outside before I knew it.

Approaching the Lake, a beautiful white owl feather slapped my face. Right in front of me was a sight for sore eyes. A badly injured snowy owl had collapsed on the ground, bleeding from where a wing was barely still attached. I knew what this meant, but could not think of how to deal with the situation. How had it been at Quidditch matches? I called a stretcher, upon which I gently placed the owl. It floated behind me as I ran towards Professor Dumbledore's office.

Whose family had been affected? Could it be mine? Or any of the students which had parted and stared as I ran by? Was it the guilty or the innocent affected? The innocent, it seemed by the way the owl had been treated. I could only hope it was not mine. Hope that another had been affected. But at the same time, I felt guilt that I would want anyone else to suffer the fate which I feared so much.

Dumbledore's phoenix, who I later learned was named Fawkes, met me at the stone gargoyle, somehow knowing that I would be there. It prodded me to untie the letter that the owl still had around its foot, after which it soared off with the stretcher now somehow flying behind it. Holding the letter still in my hand, and shaking unsteadily, I walked slowly up to Dumbledore's office.

He was patiently waiting behind his deck, his eyes facing towards my own, but seeing very much past anything that mine could see. I could not disturb him. His eyes, though still the calming blue they had always been, showed signs of restlessness. Dark bags were visible underneath them. Lines of stress and wear were now visible on his face. The soft Dumbledore I had met on my first day, had slipped away, and in return, a much tired, and worried Wizard was sitting in front me. Yet he smiled when he acknowledged that I was in his office.

"Miss Evans, I should not be surprised. If anything it is wise that you came, it is indeed." He was now standing, and with a wave of his wand, I now had a seat to sit down in. But I could not sit down. I could not let this moment pass as any other would.

"The owl- It was dead- or unconscious- the letter- I do not know- what?" Somehow I was finding it hard to speak. I wanted him to tear it open, and tell me that it wasn't me who would suffer, at least not now. I wanted him to say everything was going to be all right.

He sighed, and lifted the letter out of my hands. It unravelled, and he skimmed through it, his face not betraying his thoughts. He sighed once again. "It is not good news, I'm afraid."

He was pacing by now. I said the only response I could think of, "Who? How many?"

"How many affected, you mean Miss Evans?" He was peering through his half-moon glasses.

I nodded, a little intimidated.

"Too many. All of us will be affected, but to those most," he paused, "it will not be simple."

"But who, sir? Is it-?" I did not have time to ask my question aloud.

"Not yours, no, Miss Evans, not yours. But five students will have to be told, and two will have to be sent. It will not be easy. It is never easy."

I was relieved, to a certain extent, but guilt had caught me by the neck. A large lump formed in the base of my throat. I dared not ask who was affected.

He carried on. "Miss Evans, I believe it is best that I tell you the truth now. But I would prefer it if you would sit down. There is little time, and a lot to be said. Things that should not leave this room."

The truth? What truth? Had Dumbledore lied to me before, or had he been concealing the truth from me—from the school? I sat down obediently.

"The actions of Tom- by that I do mean Voldemort- are not simple. He has always had a peculiar taste for power, and although that is not unknown amongst Wizarding folk and muggles alike, his thirst has taken him too far. This ambition is what makes it so impossibly difficult for us to defeat him, as well as his brilliant magical knowledge. In fact, he was probably the most brilliant student Hogwarts has had in the last century."

Voldemort had been at Hogwarts? How could someone such as him turn out like- like how he was? Had the school not taught him tolerance?

As if reading my thoughts, Dumbledore carried on. "Head Boy, by the name of Tom Riddle then. Despised his muggle roots, no doubt. His father left his mother when he found out that she was a witch. This scar has lead him to what he thinks as revenge."

Behind Dumbledore, the hiding face of Professor Dippet spoke softly, "My biggest mistake…"

"His powers are great now, his knowledge is much broader than what he was taught here: unto the unknown depths of the earth he has travelled, seeking knowledge of Dark Magic that has stained him. But under him, he now has followers, doing his biding, as any henchmen would."

"Death Eaters…" The words came out before I could stop them.

"Yes, that is what they are known as. The cover themselves with masks of white-" He was seated by now as well.

A memory stirred him my mind, and a vivid image of my thirteenth summer flashed in-front me, "The masked robbers-" the words slipped out through my mouth again.

"That is what they were known as on the muggle news, yes. But the identities of these henchmen are not known, and so we do not know who is betraying us. Thus, at this moment in time, we cannot trust anyone, for anyone could be a spy."

"Yet, sir, you trust me." I wanted to know why, why he had said so much already.

"Yes, Miss Evans, I do. Voldemort's first attack did not happen last year, as the Ministry would like you to believe. Previous events have occurred, but they were dismissed as a right of political freedom within the Ministry. It was only with the sudden boom in deaths, and in particular the deaths of Ministry members, that recognition of the threat that Voldemort poses has come to light. In the meanwhile, those who knew the outcome of the power Voldemort ensued, had begun to form a group, under whose banner they would fight against him for peace."

"Who? How?" The words were floating in my head, tumbling, and forcing themselves out of my mouth.

"We named ourselves 'The Order of the Phoenix'. We were few, and are fewer now. You would know a few who served until their deaths- Mr and Mrs Potter, of course, and now Mr and Mrs Meadowes." He was now sighing. "There is not much more I can say, Miss Evans, except that I hope that, when the time comes, you will be able to join in our Order. Mr James Potter, Mr Sirius Black, Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew are already amongst our few, but cannot join until they too have finished studying here."

I was confused. How could I make a decision now? I had just heard of what he was speaking about, and knew so little. Could it be true? Had the tide really turned that black? I wasn't sure. Was there no one to speak to?

He was reading the letter again, "I do not expect an answer today, or tomorrow, Miss Evans. You will need to think, need to sort through old _Daily Prophet_s. But you will not be able to speak about this freely to everyone. There are few you may talk to. One is the one who holds a similar title to yours. I am sorry that I have to tell you now, but this is the only time, and the most appropriate, I believe. When your decision is made, I will be happy to hear it. If you do refuse the offer, though, every detail of this conversation will no longer remain a memory, and you will be ignorant of any of the matters I have conveyed to you."

There was so much to remember. Did I want to lose it? Return to my sweet innocence, and think that there was no such threat? It would be so simple to think that I could hide from the evil in the world, but even then it would catch up with me soon enough. I was only seventeen years old! How could he put such a burden on me? There was too much to be done. To think that this had been the right time for anything was laughable, because I could not have had less time, and less worries. But then, Dumbledore had always had a second sense, and his knowledge seemed be always beyond mine. And now I had a decision to make, something that would inevitably affect my life. If I chose to agree, then my death was almost certain, but if I disagreed, I would be betraying the reason that I had chosen to become an Auror. It was all too soon, too unrealistic. I couldn't just stand there in his office as he looked at me for answers.

My thoughts were still clouded when a tall, dark-haired boy passed by and let out his hand, so that he could catch my shoulder. I jerked upright and saw James grinning slightly. "Hey Lily," he said, as he winked, "Heading for Heads' Quarters?"

His expression turned stern as I told him we needed to talk.

"Are you alright?" he asked in an urgent tone, as soon as were had entered the Heads' Common Room.

How could I tell him? It seemed strange to be telling the person who I had almost hated last year, about my worries. But somehow, it just seemed natural, oddly natural. After all, Dumbledore had hinted that I might discuss any issues relating to the Order with James. So it slipped out, slowly at first. Almost every detail came out: Dumbledore's words, the enigma surrounding the Order, and that decision. The only thing I did not tell him was about my uncertainty in the decision I had to make. Surprisingly, he didn't stop listening or assume that clouded look he often gets whilst sitting in a classroom, pretending to listen to a teacher's instructions. In fact, he seemed to be taking it all in very slowly.

"Dumbledore asked you to join the Order?" he asked, as if amazed.

I nodded, he was impressed, and I couldn't tell him that I was bordering on rejecting the offer.

"Lily, that's an honour! Merlin, Padfoot and I were only asked to join because of Mum and Dad. And we're not even proper members yet- we don't get told anything. And Moony and Wormtail only know about it because we asked Dumbledore to let them know. In fact, most of the others are only in because of family relations or because they really trust Dumbledore. Like Alice and Frank-"

"Alice and Frank are in the Order?" I asked. If they had joined, there was more to it. Alice had been really helpful and friendly after my OWLs. She was impressed by my 'guts' as she called them. She was the reason that I had felt slightly at ease at being a loner last year.

James nodded as though it was obvious, "Yup, and they're only are in because Frank's mother really trusts Dumbledore. Of course, old Mrs Longbottom knows nothing about it, but Frank's been close to Dumbledore for years."

I nodded, and my thoughts slipped away. I still couldn't tell him no. By the way he had been talking, and the way that his eyes lit up when he spoke, and the passion that brewed out of his mouth, I couldn't tell him that I was thinking of saying no. I couldn't say no, could I? After what had happened since the beginning of this year, and slightly getting to know the Marauders better, could I disappoint them, and say no? Could I disappoint James?

But my thoughts were luckily short-lived, or I would have had to question from where these issues arose. James was towering over me, his hazel eyes, through his spectacles, now more green than yellow, were looking at me questioningly. A hand reached out, as he unconsciously ruffled through his hair. Awkwardly elated, unexplainably slightly out or breath, I stepped away, trying to avoid his gaze.

"I'm sorry- I, er, didn't catch what you said." I stared at my hands, pretending that there had been something stuck on them that was almost impossible to remove.

"I asked if you were going to join. You are, right?" He seemed to think that 'yes' would be the only obvious answer to that question.

I nodded reluctantly. I just couldn't say no to him.

He smiled, "It'll be good to have you on the team with us jokers. I mean you're brilliant at magic, and you, well, have a certain style- a different style- a really _good_ different style."

I couldn't look up at him. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. Why was I being affected by someone who I had just started to call a friend? "It's not that important. You're the Order too." I tried to throw off the undeserved compliment.

"Is that a compliment? From Lily Evans? For James Potter- evilness personified?" He was smiling, a little twitch that enlightened all his facial features. A strange sensation went down my body, like a little shiver. I stepped away from him, my face reddening.

"I suppose. But, um, I really need to get some work done before tomorrow. I suppose I'll talk to you later- during patrols. Um, thanks, for the help with, the Order." I slipped past him hurriedly, strangely hoping, much to my horror, that he would still continue talking to me.

**

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Author's Note:** Long chapter! Well, I kind of did like the chapter, but I'm just going to have to wait and see what you think. My only concern is now that HBP is coming out in less than 7 days, I will not be able to finish this story, and details in HBP will change my storyline. I have reason to believe that more about Lily will be revealed in HBP, so that kind of stops this. However, if the storyline is similar I will adjust this story according to those details. If they are too apart I may start a new story, but I will be using parts of this one to fit into the other one. Um, I should have a new chapter posted before it comes out though, so keep an eye out for that. 

Anyway, I hope all of you and your family/friends are all right, proceeding the attacks in London. It's a tragic news for all those affected and London itself, and also because it diverted attention away from the G8 summit in Scotland.

Thanks to:

_The Zazu_- Thanks so much for your review! Halloween Feast organisation was given to them by Dumbledore because they are the Heads (I mentioned this through Dumbledore at the end of chapter 1). With James talking to Lily: well, James obviously (though not all too obvious to Lily) likes her, so when it comes to talking to someone, he finds to hard to talk about that really hurt him to his friends- Sirius because he's repressed all the feelings of hurt he's felt. Remus because he has more problems to worry about (I will bring that up later). And Peter just wouldn't understand- he's just a bit insensitive. So who else did he trust, who wouldn't laugh at him? Lily. The person who he really likes, and someone who he knows wouldn't push his emotions on such a serious subject aside. But cheers for the review!

_Aeryn Snape_- I do the word thing all the time. It's a sad tale. Think too fast- it's so annoying when I have an essay to write- have to re-read it loads of times. Thanks for the compliment!

Thanks also to_ Steelo_ and _Laura _and _firehottie_ and _Queen of the Duct Tape _and _Eternal Dragon101_

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Thanks for reading. Please **Review** and tell me if you like it or not, and where I can improve. Thanks! 


	13. Author's letter

_(not a chapter, but a letter)_

Dear fellow readers, and reviewers,

I would like to thank you for reading this far into this story, and am truly grateful for your support and comments. Most of you must have read HBP by now, and realize that there is not much to be edited. However, I would like to add in some essential characters (such as Slughorn), as well as emphasize something else that now seems quite credible and important, I believe to the future.

Whilst updating this fic, I will be re-reading through my work, and revising the story. If you have been reading this before, I suggest that in due course, once you have finished HBP, you will re-read through this work so that some changes in plot are seen.

Thanks so much for all your support and co-operation. I truly appreciate it.

Yours,

PhiloNysh

P.S.

Thanks to:

_Valhalla96_- Thanks for that. You should read some Oscar Wilde or other turn-of-the-century authors. I always loved classics. Actually I kind of read anything I can grasp my hands on. But I can say this: Never read Joseph Conrad. Firstly he's racist, and secondly, he's a bore. Studied him for Lit last year, and it would take a lot of caffeine to stay up and attempt to finish reading "Heart of Darkness"

Thanks also to _cylobaby__, Laura _and _steelo._


	14. Author's second letter

Dear all,

I do not know if you have read the Mugglenet/TLC's interviews with JKR, but I am afraid that basically half of this plot has been destroyed. Um, James' parents died of "a wizarding illness" so, the whole Voldemort killing him doesn't really work.

Also, Lily was actually quite 'popular' (rather like Ginny)- so this plot line doesn't work at all.

Due to this new information, I am forced to end this story. I will try to start a new one, but first I have to try and 'understand' this _new_ Lily- because she's foreign territory now. I don't know if I can manage. I will however be writing some one-shots in the future, so just wait for that!

Thank you for all your support and well, words of advice. I've really appreciated it.

Yours truly,

PhiloNysh

PS I _really_ hate giving up this fic!


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